Why Does Finding Your Person Take So Damn Long?

Why Does Finding Your Person Take So Damn Long?

If you’ve been single longer than you can count and are wondering when you’re going to finally meet someone who sweeps you off your feet (or who is at least second date material), then you’re officially normal. When people tell you to be patient, you pretty much want to scream at them. You’ve been waiting so long you can’t imagine having to wait anymore, but the truth is that finding your person really does take a while. Here’s why:

  1. Good dates are rare. When was the last time you went on a good first date? If you can’t exactly remember, you’re not alone. Being on your own often means going on an endless series of dates that all end the same way: with a polite “nice to meet you” and both of you going in separate directions (literally and metaphorically).
  2. There’s an excuse epidemic. It would be great if you went on a date with every guy that you talked to via a dating app or website. Unfortunately, as you already know, that doesn’t happen. When you bring up meeting in person, which is what you thought the point of said dating app was, it’s like an excuse epidemic. He’s busy, work is nuts, he’s going away, he’s just going to ignore you from now on completely. So when you’re talking to people with no hope of meeting most of them IRL, it’s no wonder it takes so long to meet someone.
  3. It’s tiring to keep trying. If you kept dating without taking any breaks whatsoever, maybe you would meet your person much sooner. But you can’t do that because you need those times to just be yourself and forget all about trying to find love. You can’t sacrifice your mental health just because you want to meet someone ASAP. Breaks are good for you.
  4. You have legit standards. Some might call you picky (and they probably have) but that doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. You have real standards about the kind of person that you want to share your life with and that’s completely fine. You shouldn’t date just to date and that inevitably makes all this take just a bit longer.
  5. You want to add to your life, not ruin it. The truth is that being single these days is nothing like the cat lady horror stories that you were always told when you were younger. You can and do live a full life that is pretty perfect (you’re just missing the whole boyfriend part). Why would you mess that up by dating a loser or douchebag or someone who brings unnecessary drama into your world?
  6. You’re intimidating. Again, not a bad thing, but just a reality. When you intimidate guys who can’t handle your life and your success, that means a lot of dates that don’t lead you anywhere except back to the dating app drawing board. It’s totally okay, though, because when you do meet the right guy, he will be so into you, you won’t even remember all those others.
  7. It’s all a big numbers game. If you went on a date every day for a straight year, it’s totally possible that you would meet someone you really connected with. That’s a lot of guys, after all. But you don’t date that way (who does?). It’s hard enough to get a handful of dates a month, let alone one every week. Cut yourself some slack and remember that as long as you keep going, you’re getting somewhere.
  8. You get confused. Like any other single woman, you’ve had your low moments. You’ve gone on more than one date with a guy even though you weren’t sure how you felt about him. You’ve agonized over whether someone would text you back. All this wastes your time and takes you away from your end goal of meeting someone real, so that just delays the whole thing a bit more.
  9. You’ve been an almost girlfriend. When you keep becoming an almost instead of a real girlfriend, that messes up your timeframe. You think this is it and you get disappointed every time. But it’s not the race that you might think it is. All these false starts are totally crucial for your learning and growth.
  10. Apps are totally to blame. When you meet someone from an app, it’s a whole lot different than meeting organically at a party. Sure, they’re both total strangers, but there’s a certain level of distance when you grab drinks with someone you chatted with online. It basically takes a handful of dates to feel like you’ve gotten to know them, and even the third date can still feel like the first. That definitely changes things.
  11. You’re ready now. The person that you are today isn’t the same person that you were when you began this whole dating journey. You’ve got a few more dating years under your belt and that means you know so much more about who you are, who you want to be with, and what you will and won’t accept. That means you’re in the best possible place to meet someone. So where is he? Time will tell. Believe that and keep going. It’s the only way.
Aya Tsintziras is a freelance lifestyle writer and editor. She shares gluten-free, dairy-free recipes and personal stories on her food blog, ahealthystory.com. She loves coffee, barre classes and pop culture.