First Date Conversations Us Guys Secretly Hate

First dates can be pretty anxiety-inducing even for us guys. Selecting an outfit, getting ready, incessantly checking the time, sweating so profusely that no amount of deodorant can cover that up—sometimes we can be beside ourselves with stress. We tend to chill out a little once we actually meet you, but things can go downhill quickly if you start making these conversational faux pas.

Focusing exclusively on yourself

 We all hate this, don’t we? Of course we want to get to know you, but if we leave the date with a detailed history of your family pets and what celebrities you share a birthday with while you leave without even remembering how to spell our names properly, then you can rest assured that we spent the evening watching Sims-style relationship points being subtracted from your head.

Spending all night on your phone

 We completely understand what it’s like to suddenly think of a fiercely witty tweet, one which needs to be unleashed into the world immediately. We’ve all been there, but staring at the back of your iPhone isn’t exactly the best way to spend a first date. We know we’ve just met you, but we were under the impression that we’d come here to talk to each another. Did I read the wrong “How to Date” guide online?

Complaining about the staff or the food

 If you find a wad of hair in your pasta or the waiter is trying to look up your skirt, we’re more than happy to help you tear that place down until there’s nothing left. However, when you’re rude to staff members who are a little behind orders or you turn your nose up at their dinner because it features fewer leaves than the picture on the menu, then we can see our future relationship unravel before us and it looks like nothing. Our future relationship does not exist.

Voicing extreme opinions on polarizing topics

 Being passionate about certain subjects is a good quality and a total turn-on, but it’s probably a good idea to water it down ever so slightly on a first date. Examples of these dangerous themes include how much you love or hate certain religions, reasons your political views are superior to the rest of the world, how boys are stupid, yada yada. We only asked who your favorite band was. Maybe keep the conversation a bit lighter?

Venting about your relationship problems

 Imagine you’re in a job interview and all you talk about to your potential employer is how terrible you were at your last workplace and how you’ve been fired so many times that you’re beginning to think it’s your fault. This is the equivalent of persistently speaking about your ex/exes to guys you’ve just met. A collection of heartbreak stories is not first date material. Save that for the third date at least.

Oversharing about your psychological issues

 We’re living in a very special time in mental health awareness where we’re all being encouraged to talk about our demons, tackling them in the light so that we’re not fighting them alone. We support this and understand that it’s important, but we also think these confessions should be reserved for friends or family or a professional, not some dude you’ve just met. Don’t get us wrong, many of us love a bit of drama, but if we’ve only known you for an hour and we already have a list of your anxiety prescriptions, we’re probably not exactly thinking you’re stable enough for a relationship.

Judging our meals loudly and annoyingly 

For the record, I’m a vegetarian, which means I’m allowed to say this: vegetarians are annoying. However, if my date orders a massive steak, this isn’t the ideal opportunity for me to remind her that she’s eating a dead creature who once had a face because that’s going to ruin the ambiance. The same goes for health nuts who love nothing more to point out how many fat carb-loaded calories are on our plates or those food snobs who inform us how our choice of starters was uneducated. Just let us eat!

Trying to be quirky/unique/something you’re not

 There are plenty of flags that many women wave in our faces, convinced that they’re blinding us with their sexy quirkiness when in actual fact, we totally see through them. Have you ever said, “I’m not like other girls”? How is it that every girl is not like other girls? Do you guys talk to each other? How about claiming you’re a nerd just because you have a pair of (non-prescription) wayfarer glasses? Or that you’re “fat” because you ate a normal sized meal and are just fishing for compliments? Good guys will refuse to play these games with you. Just be yourself.

Pushing for a second date

 Even if the date was a thunderous success and you scored a straight-A report card, it’s still nice to be granted that cooling off period where we can both collect our thoughts, talk to our friends about it, and generally figure out what we’re feeling. The game is to watch who loses their cool first. If you act like you don’t care, most of us will be lusting after you in no time.

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