This Is The First Relationship I Haven’t Wanted To Cheat In And I’m Scared To Death

I’ve cheated out of fear in my past relationships. Overthinking and worrying about every minor detail of my partnerships led me to seek out a mindless distraction with another guy and while I’m not proud of it, I can’t deny that it happened. However, everything’s different in my current relationship. I haven’t had the urge to cheat at all and it’s seriously freaking me out.

  1. Let’s face it: Monogamy is hard. There are millions of people on Earth—it’s impossible to believe that we’re compatible with just one of them. Once the honeymoon period passes, relationships can be tough. An active effort needs to be made on both parts to maintain that initial passion, and instead of trying, sometimes it’s easier to just give into the urge and cheat. In the past, it was easier than talking about my feelings or risking my vulnerability. This time, though, I actually want to open up and let him in. I want to tell him everything because I feel safe with him. It’s still hard, but it’s far from impossible.
  2. I always had a “cushion” in case I got hurt. Cushioning is awful. There is no good way to explain it or justify it. Most people use it to save themselves in case they get ghosted, cheated on, bored, etc. In my case, I got bored. Instead of talking about it like an adult, I would entertain the idea of another guy. I wanted a choice. Now, a cushion just seems ridiculous and honestly, self-serving. Relationships aren’t perfect but some of them are worth it, and I think this one is.
  3. This is the first time I’ve wanted a guy—I don’t need him. My early 20s were filled with self-doubt and tons of insecurities, and I did what most girls my age do—I filled the void with relationships. I jumped from one guy to another without quite finishing the relationship I was in. Spending a year or so alone allowed me to grow, evolve, and become a whole person without the crutch of a boyfriend. I got my act together, which made me attract the right guy and a relationship. Now, I don’t necessarily need my boyfriend but I do want him.
  4. He has his act together. It’s so nice having a boyfriend that doesn’t need to be “fixed.” Some would say that women are prone to fixing a guy—they have “potential”—but no matter how many band-aids are on a red flag, it’s still a red flag. Don’t get me wrong, my guy definitely has some faults, but there are no red flags. He’s a complete, mature person and that makes our relationship 10 times easier.
  5. My relationship isn’t lacking anything. People cheat because they’re looking for that one trait their partner is lacking. There’s no such thing as a perfect partner, but for once, my relationship is. Honesty has created that. Don’t get me wrong, being transparent can be scary. At first, I was scared to let him know exactly how I was feeling because I was afraid I’d come off clingy or insecure. In reality, it made him aware of what I needed and gave him the tools to be able to help me.
  6. Sex isn’t everything. Attraction is a hard thing to resist—that’s how cheating starts. The brain goes from rational thinking to lustful thinking. I admit that I have to stop thinking with my vagina. One thought leads to a snowball effect of “what if”s and “can I”s. Those moments of lustful thinking will only lead to that—lust. Sex isn’t the be all, end all. The minute sex became the answer is the minute I questioned myself and what I really wanted. I want my boyfriend more than those few lustful minutes of attraction to some random guy.
  7. There will always be a temptation. Even the best relationships can fall into temptation. I mean, people are human! It happens. There’s a guy at the bar, he smiles, there’s alcohol, and before the night is over… well, you know. It’s hard, but it’s important to remember what’s important. My boyfriend is, and I haven’t ever questioned that.
  8. I can’t imagine hurting him. Cheating is a selfish act. It’s living in the moment and not thinking about anyone else (except the person partaking in the cheating). In the past, I didn’t care who found out about my behavior because I was selfish. I didn’t really think about my significant other’s feelings in the moment—I just wanted to do what I wanted to do. I’m not like that anymore. The thought of hurting my guy’s feelings is unbearable.
  9. I finally love someone more than I love myself.  Relationships require complete selflessness, and it’s harder than most people think. Every decision can possibly affect another person—that’s a scary thought! However, I finally have a guy that’s worth it; a guy that I could NEVER imagine hurting; a guy that gives me everything I need. I finally found someone I care more about than myself. That isn’t scary—that’s love.
Born and Raised in Las Vegas. Currently live in Lala Land (aka Hollywood). BA in English. I live at the beach any chance I get. Obsessions/loves include paddle boarding, laughing , Sunday brunches & relationship horror stories. Searching for answers one horror story at a time, while trying to find love and a little laughter.