Forget A Boyfriend This Valentine’s Day — What You Need Is A Bottle Of Wine

You don’t need a man to enjoy yourself this Valentine’s Day. Sure, boyfriends are nice — but have you tried wine? Wine can satisfy you in ways that a guy never could, so get out there and grab a bottle (or three) and look forward to a wonderful February 14th.

  1. Wine always makes you feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside. Boyfriends can make you feel good sometimes, but all the time? Only wine is guaranteed to give you a warm and fuzzy feelings every time you turn to it, making it perfect for a Valentine’s Day evening.
  2. Wine doesn’t mind if you’re not in the mood to finish it off. You can get as close to finishing a bottle of wine as you’d like and it won’t complain if you decide you’ve had enough and just go to sleep. When you’re not in the mood for it anymore, wine never says, “Baby I’m so close to being finished… just two more minutes?”
  3. Wine will watch a corny love movie with you, and won’t mind if you cry. Wine doesn’t stare at it’s cellphone through the entire movie if you feel like watching The Notebook for the 10,000th time this Valentine’s Day. Go ahead and start bawling if you feel like it, your merlot will be there to comfort you.
  4. Wine already comes in Valentine’s Day colors. Isn’t it a sign from Saint Valentine himself that wine already comes in red, white, and pink? Grab one of each for a festive evening, and remember that time your ex complained about your request for him to wear a red shirt to Valentine’s Day dinner.
  5. Wine will let you watch Netflix and chill. Your bottle of wine will never try to penetrate you during a Netflix marathon, which is an extremely popular Valentine’s Day plan for people who live in areas where February is one nonstop blizzard, or for those who don’t want to blow an entire paycheck on a pre fixe V Day dinner. If you actually want to watch something and not just have sex on the couch, wine is the best date you could ask for.
  6. Wine’s always ready for round two. And three… and four. For the girls who are immediately ready for more after finishing round one, wine is your best bet. Your cabernet doesn’t want to cuddle or stare at the fridge until you make it a snack before you can have more. Get all the satisfaction you want at your pace, however fast or slow that may be.
  7. Wine will help you talk about all of your feelings if you want, or ignore them if you don’t. Feel like talking, reminiscing, or crying? Wine’s got you. Want to pretend to be a robot who can’t compute human emotions? Rose’s there for you too. You can be as lovey dovey or stone cold as you’d like to be this Valentine’s Day, and no one will pressure you to be different.
  8. Wine only goes in your mouth if you want it to. Nothing ruins a night of romance like an unexpected penis in your face. If that doesn’t sound like how you’d like to celebrate the holiday of love this year, count on a bottle of wine to only enter your mouth if you absolutely want it to.
Holly Harris is a freelance writer, full time student, and mommy to a toddler sass monster. In her (nearly nonexistent) free time, you can find her lifting something heavy in her home gym or chugging vodka sodas with friends. She contributes to several other sites, including Elite Daily.