I Found Out My Ex Paid For Sex—Instant Breakup!

Talking about previous sexual experiences with a new partner can be tricky. There’s always the fear of finding out something really shady on his sexual resume. One guy I dated confessed that he’d paid for sex before. It wasn’t during our relationship, but in his past. I broke up with him anyway—here’s why.

  1. I respected his honesty, but… It was great that he’d been honest about paying for sex but it was quite a shock. He’d never seemed like the kind of guy who would do that because he was so straight-laced and law-abiding.
  2. I worried it would happen again. He told me the circumstances around it. He’d been very lonely and going through a dry spell but I couldn’t help worrying that he’d do it again, that if we went through a rut, he’d want to go back and pay for sex again.
  3. He treated it like nothing. He really made it seem like it was nothing, as though it was just like being hungry and going out to buy a pizza. Ugh. This was sex we were talking about! He’d been sexual with a stranger, someone he didn’t know at all and who he’d paid for sexual services. That’s a serious deal!
  4. He was after a quick-fix. He wanted sex, so he decided to pay for it instead of making an effort to meet someone and hook up? Wow. I’m not saying hookups are better, but choosing the quick and easy route straight to a prostitute was basically showing me that he wanted to make no effort when it came to women. It sounds harsh, but it’s how I felt. I want a guy who won’t take the easy road where he can pay for what he wants, but who’d rather be alone and wait for the right person.
  5. He thought it was the same as a one-night stand. I thought this was crazy, especially when you take into account that so many sex workers are in that line of work because they’re desperate for money. Being part of that horrible situation where he was taking advantage of their situation just put me off him. There was nothing fun or spontaneous about it in the way that flings or one-night-stands can be. It’s dark and shady.
  6. I feared for my future health. We hadn’t had sex yet and I was so glad about that. I just couldn’t help but fear for my sexual health. What if he’d contracted an STI from that encounter? If he was okay with paying for sex with a stranger, this probably meant he’d done other things, like had lots of casual sex. I sound paranoid, I know, but that’s where my mind was going.
  7. We had different value systems. I’m the type of person who needs to date someone who’s got the same values. It’s one of my standards. I want to date someone who sees sex as something important and meaningful, and who doesn’t treat it like some sort of commodity.
  8. It struck me as desperate. I know that he was going through a lonely time as a single guy, but was it really necessary to go sleep with a prostitute? It just struck me as very desperate and made me wonder why he couldn’t get sex for free with women in more natural relationships. What was wrong with him as a date or boyfriend?
  9. I questioned his motives for telling me. He didn’t feel guilty or ashamed about paying for sex and he made that very clear. So why tell me about it? Hmmm.
  10. Was it about his ego? I wondered if he was somehow bragging about being with a prostitute. He hadn’t been very sexually adventurous in his past, and just the way he lightly told me about it made me think he was aiming for shock value or he hoped that it would make him seem more interesting and adventurous than he really was.
  11. He turned it into a male thing. When I questioned him further about his experience, he claimed that it was “something guys would understand.” WTF? He said that men have needs and they have to satisfy them. Oh, really? Now he was just pissing me off! What, he’s a guy so he can’t help his urges? What BS!
  12. It made me insecure. If we had to stay together and become physically intimate, I’d always worry that he would cheat on me. I mean, for him to say that men have needs was already a red flag. Ugh. I didn’t need those worries in my head.
  13. Just because it’s common, it doesn’t make it okay. I know that paying for sex is becoming more common, with half of men surveyed stating that they’d want to legalize prostitution. But that doesn’t mean it’s okay for me. I know it sounds judgmental, but if a guy I’m dating tells me he’s done this illegal act, it just makes me feel disgusted. I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with it.
  14. He tried to guilt me for leaving. He really made me feel bad about dumping him, saying that I was so judgmental and self-righteous. Whatever. It’s my life and my dating choices. I shouldn’t have to feel that I need to compromise on the type of partner I want and deserve to be happy. If I’d stayed, I’d be making him happy but upsetting myself. That’s never worth it.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.