I Found My Ex’s Mistress & We Actually Bonded

I caught my boyfriend cheating on me with his colleague and he dumped me on the spot, saying that he didn’t see a future with me. He wouldn’t tell me anything else about why he’d been unfaithful or what had gone wrong with us, but I needed closure so I went after it myself.

  1. Tracking the other woman down was pretty easy. I know it sounds like I’m a stalker or something, but I did investigative work to find out who his colleague was. I had to know! I found some recent Facebook posts that he’d written, which a woman had “liked.” I checked out her profile and found out that she worked in his office. She was pretty and sweet looking, so I dropped her an email to find out if it was her. Hey, it was worth a shot.
  2. What does one say to their BF’s mistress? It wasn’t easy to write to her without sounding like a total psycho. I hoped that she’d answer me instead of blocking me. I just lay my cards on the table and told her what had happened with my BF cheating on me. Then I asked if she was the person my boyfriend had cheated with.
  3. She could’ve denied it. My gut was telling me that it was her, especially because she’d been tagged in some of his Facebook pictures from work functions. He was always standing next to her in the pictures, with his hand in the small of her back in one photo. I was shocked when she replied to my message telling me that she’d had sex with my BF a few times and didn’t know that he’d been in a relationship with me at the time. She apologized, saying that she’d been cheated on in the past and knew how horrible it felt. Still, I wondered if she was lying about not knowing about me since she had the texts he’d sent her to prove that she’d thought he was single when he first hit on her at a club.
  4. We were actually in the same boat. She was willing to talk to me about what had happened because she felt cheated by my lousy ex too. He’d made her think they were starting a relationship when in reality he’d just wanted to have a quick fling with her. What a loser!
  5. I asked her some questions. A few things had been bugging me, and since my boyfriend didn’t want to answer any of my questions, I felt like she was my only hope. I wanted to know when their affair had started and if it matched up to when my boyfriend started being more irritable and moody with me (it did). I also wanted to know if he really had been working late or if he’d been using that time to get to know her better (and he’d indeed been with her).
  6. It helped me so much. I felt so much better after getting the chance to talk to her! Instead of feeling heartbroken over my boyfriend’s cheating, I realized that I was just angry at him for lying to me but I certainly wasn’t sad. Actually, I was really glad that I’d dodged a bullet by losing him. I shudder to think that if I hadn’t spoken to his mistress and gained closure from her, I would’ve wallowed for a long time. My mind would’ve filled in the blanks for questions he never answered for me, which could’ve made me miss him when really he didn’t deserve a single one of my tears.
  7. It felt good not to be alone in this. I wouldn’t wish heartbreak on anyone, but I must say it felt good to know that my BF’s other girlfriend was actually going through the same feelings I was. She’d been just as hurt by him as I was. It was humbling.
  8. It rocked to support sisterhood. It also felt good that we were both supporting each other instead of fighting each other as so many women do over a loser guy. We stayed in touch for a few weeks and helped each other move on by cataloging all his faults, which was such an awesome, laugh-out-loud experience.
  9. I realized something about closure. Although she helped me move on from my relationship, the whole experience taught me something important about closure. I’m the only one who can really give it to myself. I can’t depend on it from the person I’m dating or from the person they’ve cheated on me with. I’ve learned that instead of stressing about why my relationship ended, it’s better to understand that the reason doesn’t matter as much as the fact that it’s happened—and that’s enough to make me move on.


Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.