Sometimes you find love the moment you stop looking for it. This is what happened to me as soon as I decided to be single. I almost let it pass me by, but fate has a way of coming through in the end despite our plans to the contrary.
I’d just gotten out of a long-term relationship. I’d been in a deeply committed relationship for the three years previous. Our lives were completely intertwined and coming out of that was a massive change in my life. I was in the midst of mourning the end of that relationship and restructuring pretty much every facet of my life. The last thing I wanted was to fall in love again.
All I wanted was some time alone. Despite mourning the loss of my previous partner, I was actually really excited about being single. I’d been in relationships for most of my life— somewhere between serial monogamy and polyamory—so it was actually wonderful to have the opportunity to be single again. I decided I just wanted to focus on myself for a while and was committed to foregoing relationships and even sex for a good long while.
I had grand plans to discover myself again. I was so excited to be single for the first time in my adult life, mostly because I barely knew who I was outside of a relationship. I wanted time to rediscover my individuality, to celebrate my autonomy, to find out who I would be as a single woman. I wanted to travel spontaneously, follow my passions, and just live my life without attachment to any one other person.
Then he came along. Of course, this was exactly when I met him. He waltzed into my life like a whirlwind and it changed everything. When he first expressed interest in me, I was totally uninterested. I had my own path and I wasn’t going to change that for any man. But life tends to mess with my plans. Those forest-green eyes, gorgeous smile, and goofy sense of humor would get me in the end.
At first, I resisted. I was adamant that I wanted to be single and I resisted his advances at first. Pals? Sure. Emotional support? Well, what are friends for. I was committed to not developing feelings and for a while, I was convinced I wouldn’t. I was happy to develop a friendship and there was obviously a good connection there, but I had no intentions of taking it any further than that.
Then he kissed me. All the resolve in the world couldn’t have stopped that from happening. He was into me, I knew that, but I’d made it clear I didn’t want anything more than a close friendship. One day, though, the atmosphere was just right and he picked up on it. Despite my resolve towards celibacy, I kissed him back. I knew all the reasons I shouldn’t, but what can I say? It just felt right.
That changed everything. Surprise, surprise. Even after we kissed—in fact, even after we slept together for the first time—I was still convinced I didn’t have feelings for him and at first, I didn’t. But he managed to win my heart and the more we saw each other, the deeper it got. He told me he loved me and so much of me wanted to say those words back.
I struggled to open up. I was clearly falling in love with this man but my mind was still yelling, “You were supposed to be single!” It took me a while to just let go of that, stop judging myself for what I thought I was ‘supposed’ to do, and just trust my feelings. I really struggled to open up to him and stop being so tense about what was actually a beautiful experience.
Eventually, I stopped fighting it. In some ways, it seems silly that I resisted for so long. Here was an incredible man who loved me deeply and with whom I was falling in love. I could hold on to all my quickly crumbling plans of celibacy or I could allow myself to accept what I was feeling and just roll with it. I’m so glad I decided to roll with it because…
I’ve realized he’s the love of my life. This man loves me as I’ve never been loved before. He’s so giving, so accepting, so understanding and he helps me grow in ways I couldn’t on my own. He feels the same way about me—we support, encourage, and challenge each other. Being with him is like coming home, as though we were always meant to be together. I’ve found my twin flame and if I’d stubbornly stuck to my plans of being single, the love of my life would have passed me by. It just goes to show, “If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.”
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