I Gave You My Best But Got Your Worst In Return

I’ve always been a selfless person. Particularly in my romantic relationships, I have a habit of giving all I have while expecting nothing in return. And when it came to our relationship, you took full advantage of that. I spent so much energy giving you all that I could that I didn’t notice I was losing myself in the process.

  1. I can’t blame you for everything. It’s not your fault that I wanted to fix you or that I truly believed you could turn into the person I hoped you’d become. I had no other experiences by which I could compare you. It’s my own fault that I was so desperate to convince myself I was happy that I refused to see the truth.
  2. But there’s plenty I can blame you for. The more I tried to assure myself that you could be what I needed, the more you proved me wrong. The deeper I fell and the more I let you in, the farther you pushed me away. The more I put into the relationship, the less you gave. And those are things I CAN put on you.
  3. All I wanted was to be your everything. I was foolish and naive, but above all else, I was proud to be yours. Our good moments put me on such a high that I would float around for days until you brought me crashing down. Every time it seemed like we had turned a corner, you sent me spinning back in the other direction.
  4. I did make you better. Even though you never treated me how I deserved, I made you better. I couldn’t change who you were as a person, but everyone saw the small improvements in you when I was around. And as I watched you become a better son, a better friend, and a better person, I waited patiently for you to become a better man. But it never happened.
  5. We were never balanced. It didn’t matter that I was your biggest fan, your unwavering support, or your best friend. It didn’t matter that I gave you advice and comforted you when you needed it. Because when the time came, you did none of those things for me. I did everything I could for you, but you were never my everything, and you didn’t try to be.
  6. I felt worthless. The worst part was that even after being all that you needed, you still didn’t make me feel like I mattered. You took me for granted every single day. Even the rare moments when you opened up were gone as quickly as they came. You were my world, but you never made me feel like anything more than your doormat.
  7. You never gave me what I needed. I justified it for years, telling myself it was okay because I had plenty of other people in my life who were in my corner. But that’s a cop-out. Regardless of whether or not I could get that love and support elsewhere, I needed it from you. And while I continued to give you my best even when you didn’t deserve it, we both know you can’t say you did the same.
  8. You turned me into someone I didn’t like. You gave me standards to meet, rules to follow, and lies that came easier than the truth. But your anger and rigidity had a heavy price: it brought out the worst in me. I became moody, desperate, and eventually turned into someone I hardly recognized.
  9. I could only hold on for so long. I wish I could say what destroyed us was your ego, but it was so much more than that. My inability to see how unbalanced we were resulted in a downward spiral of our relationship that was so fast and intense that eventually, I had to let go.
  10. It took me so long to move past what you did. They say time heals all wounds, which must be true, because I can finally breathe again. But the weight of what we went through will never fully go away. I’ve forgiven myself for falling for the idea of what we could be, and I’ve finally accepted that our failure was no fault of my own.
  11. I now know what I deserve. Loving you and then leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through, but it was also the most important. If anything good can come from this, it’s that I’ve learned a valuable lesson: being someone’s world isn’t most important. Being my best self is worth a hell of a lot more.
We only have one chance to live this life and I'm making the most of it. I'll make plenty of mistakes along the way but each one will send me further down the right path.