I Gave Boyfriend Benefits To A Guy Who Wasn’t My Boyfriend—Big Mistake

We were great friends but he wanted to take things to the next level. I didn’t want to be tied down in a relationship at the time and he respected that, but I still gave him all the benefits of a relationship anyway and ended up regretting it.

  1. I let my life revolve around a fake relationship. I’m pretty sure we loved each other, even if it was in different ways. I let myself fall in the endless pit of giving too much to the point that it became toxic for others and for myself. Even though we weren’t officially together, I based every aspect of my life around whatever it was we were doing and it nearly destroyed me.
  2. I pushed away everybody who didn’t agree with my choice. When you’re not thinking straight, you think people who don’t agree with you are haters and aren’t worthy of a spot in your life. I pushed my friends away and I said really mean things all because I was deeply frustrated with the feeling the I was giving him so much and he wasn’t returning the favor. My friends became casualties of my ridiculous actions.
  3. I faked happiness to try and prove to the world that I was doing the right thing. They say no man is an island so technically, I had to figure out how to get my pals back. I decided to fake happiness just so they would believe things were getting better for me. I wasn’t sure if they did believe it, but some of them had lunch dates with me again. Still, this was one of the most soul-sucking things that happened to me. I wasn’t happy at all.
  4. I became the most irrational version of myself. We can all become irrational when we’re in really complicated situations, and in these situations, we should let our pals help. I sucked at being a person for a really long time and for some reason, he didn’t see it. However, my friends did and they didn’t pretend not to. They pulled me out of the rut I was in, but not before I’d done a fair amount of damage to myself and my relationships.
  5. When it ended, I was shattered in a way I never thought I could be. There wasn’t a single word to explain how I felt when everything became clear to me. After the denial stage, I was able to admit to myself that yes, I did give this man relationship benefits, I ruined our friendship because of it, and I made life more awkward and complicated than it ever was previously. I was so badly broken and didn’t know how I’d ever put myself back together again.
  6. I felt so cold, lonely, and ashamed. Somewhere along the way, I think I realized that what I was doing was wrong but I kept going anyway. Whenever we do something wrong, we get that one warning and we get to choose whether to listen to it or not. Because I didn’t listen to my warning, I ended up feeling so cold and ashamed and I imprisoned myself in my own lonely island for so long.
  7. I became exhausted from trying to run and hide from the pain. I tried my hardest to run away from pain and as you can probably guess, that didn’t work out too well. You can only hide from your feelings for so long before they catch up with you and you’re forced to deal with them.
  8. I got so lost I didn’t even know myself. There are times when I wondered if I’d be okay if he just walked away. But why would he? He was getting everything he wanted on a silver platter: sex, love, and care while still being able to do whatever (and whoever) he wanted. By the end of things, I didn’t even recognize who I was anymore.
  9. For a long time, I didn’t know how to be in a relationship. I was so scared that the next guy I was with would just take advantage of me or that I’d misread the signs. Some parts of me are still scared. Once, I tried to be in a relationship and I took things as slow and as cautious as I could, but I ended up feeling completely numb, for some reason. It made me realize that I’m still healing, and that’s okay. I’m determined to hold out until I’m truly ready—and my partner is too.
Part-poet, part-writer, and full-blooded human megaphone of the oppressed, Tammy focuses on covering heavy topics. To keep herself sane, she also writes about pop culture, life, and anything gay. She gets by with the smell of typewriter and sound of tattoo machines.