I have a few cardinal rules when it comes to dating. I expect my guy to text me first thing in the morning, I won’t date a guy that can’t talk about his feelings, and I absolutely refuse to give cheaters a second chance. I never thought I’d go back on any of these rules I’ve set for myself, but things changed when my cheating ex-boyfriend came out of the woodwork.
- I was in a rough place. My ex cheated on me in a big way. It wasn’t a little one-night stand — he was dating another woman while we were together. It took me a long time before I’d even consider texting him back, but eventually, I did. Why would I ever give a guy like that a second chance? I was in a bad place, and I was on a self-destructive streak. I didn’t think hooking up with my ex would make me feel any worse than I already did.
- Being with him was surprisingly easy. It’s always comfortable falling back into an old routine with an old flame. I’ve done it plenty of times in the past. I was surprised by how easy it was to fall back into step with a guy that had cheated on me, however. I wasn’t constantly plagued by thoughts of our old relationship like I thought I would be.
- I was able to truly forgive him. I held onto a lot of the resentment towards my ex for a long time. He tried to explain to me over the years that he was in a bad place and was suffering from depression, but I refused to accept that as an excuse. After going through a bad patch of my own, I started to realize I was no better than my ex. He’d hurt me, but I truly believed he was sorry and I gave him a chance to redeem himself. Forgiving him lifted a surprising amount of weight from my shoulders.
- The communication was totally different. My ex and I were brutally honest with each other the second time around. He was fully aware that I wouldn’t tolerate any games or secrets. Before, when we were in college, playing mind games was accepted as the norm. I don’t know why I ever let behavior like that fly, and he knew I had no intention of letting it happen again.
- He was much more respectful. My ex knew he had some serious ground to make up if he wanted me to stick around. I didn’t make him jump through hoops just to keep my attention, but I did expect him to be respectful of my personal boundaries and my time. It was obvious that he had grown up in a big way just judging by how he treated me the second time around.
- I got the closure I never received before. I refused to speak to my ex after I found out he was cheating. I didn’t want to know his reasoning or the headspace he was in. All I knew was that a guy I thought was my best friend had betrayed my trust. After he and I started hooking up again, we spent a lot of nights going over what had happened the first time we dated. I was finally able to close the door on a portion of my life that had haunted me for years.
- The relationship was never the same. Despite the positives, the love I had for him was never the same. I forgave him, but I couldn’t bring myself to fully forget the pain I had gone through when I was with him the first time. He made me realize that I needed to stick with the expectations I’ve always had for myself. I’ve always known that true love takes hard work, but this was just a bit too much.
- He and I parted ways as friends. My ex understood why I couldn’t allow myself to stay in the relationship any longer. It was a knee-jerk reaction to a bunch of negative crap that was going on in my life at the time. It was hard breaking things off again, but this time, we walked away with a mutual respect and understanding. I didn’t lose him all over again, I gained a friend.
- I learned something interesting about myself. I know hooking up with an ex, especially a cheating one, isn’t healthy, but it taught me something. I have the capacity to forgive and the desire to empathize deeply with other people.
- Some guys really do deserve a second chance. My ex learned his lesson the first time around. I’m not suggesting that every woman should consider giving her guy another chance if she gets cheated on, but I am suggesting that everyone should keep an open mind and an open heart. For some people, cheating is not the end of a relationship, and they shouldn’t be judged for it.
- I don’t have any regrets. I’m not proud of the circumstances that lead me back to my ex-boyfriend, but I’m not ashamed for giving our relationship another shot. He and I continue to make new memories that I treasure, and I’ve found a new support system through our friendship.
