Why I Gave Up On Dating Him But Still Kept Him As A Placeholder

­After several months of seeing each other with no title in sight, it was time to accept a real relationship wasn’t going to happen. The red flags and games were there from the start and my efforts to change things lead us nowhere. I tried to break all contact off and that was also a huge fail. I came to the conclusion that even though we’d never level up our commitment, I should still keep him around until something better came along for these 8 reasons.

  1. Letting go was a struggle. Even though I didn’t like how our “relationship” was going, I wasn’t ready to return to being entirely alone either. Going cold turkey on trying to make something work with him felt too drastic to handle all at once. I needed to ease out of our situationship slowly to give myself a chance to process the loss of a potential genuine relationship and adjust to being fully single again. It gave me more time to process my emotions gradually.
  2. I was lonely. The guy I was dealing with was totally inconsistent. He was really great when we were talking or around each other, but then go missing for days or claim he was too busy for even simple check-ins. And the “what are we” conversation always went in circles. He seemed perfect at times yet was also shady and hard to pin down. But even his occasional good morning/goodnight texts and late-night phone calls were more than nothing. Between a busy work schedule and home life, I really hadn’t kept in contact with many people otherwise. At least talking to him sporadically gave my phone some type of life.
  3. I still had false hope. I can be a total masochist for love. After all the red flags and lack of effort on his part, I still wanted to believe there was a teeny chance of winning him over and changing the course of our interaction. I still liked him and didn’t want to accept that my affections would never be returned. I thought by cutting him off completely it would ruin any lingering possibility. At the same time, I was scared to find out he wouldn’t try to chase me if I went through with shutting him all the way out.
  4. I felt more desirable. It’s said that it’s easier to find a new job while you still have one. I knew my current deal with this guy was a dead-end, but I felt like keeping him in the picture would keep my dating skills sharp, so it’d be easier to replace him. Why put in my two-weeks’ relationship notice without a better offer waiting for me on the other side? I wanted to stay in practice of looking good, considering someone else’s needs, and holding a conversation with a person of interest.
  5. I wanted revenge. Honestly, I was kind of pissed at this dude for not valuing me more. I offered him so much and he continued to take advantage of my feelings for him. My inner petty queen was ready to come out and get back at him. I figured if I demoted my interest in him by slowly pulling away and then suddenly popped up glowing with a better man, it would for sure make him jealous and regret sleeping on what we could’ve had. I wanted the loss of me to sting more when it came time to make that complete break.
  6. The sex was good. We didn’t get to the next dating stage anyway, so I never got to know what being his official girl would be like. But I did know I enjoyed what we had going on in the bedroom physically and if I could continue to get just that, why not? I wasn’t really missing out on the other stuff cause I never had it to begin with. Why be alone and sexually deprived?
  7. The convenience fit my schedule. Dealing with him became part of my routine. What little I got from him in the relationship was total BS, but I was used to our “dating” habits by then and didn’t feel like re-arranging my schedule. It seemed easier to just accept our limited interaction the way it was than to plan my week without him at all. Why should I go through the trouble for his insincerity?
  8. I wanted to keep the perks & personal benefits. I had to admit that as toxic as he was, some parts of me were still better with him. I kept my house tidy, shaved more often, and spent a little extra time on my appearance with the thought of seeing him and spending time with him. I should be doing these things just for myself, but I have a little less motivation to keep up personal maintenance when it’s just me.
I’m Cara, not to be confused with Carrie, although you could say I’m a Millennial Bradshaw of sorts. Pop culture connoisseur. Lover of all things creative and passionate about health and personal well-being. Follow me on IG @cara_vale_writer