I Gave Up On Monogamy And I’ve Never Been Happier

For years, I was convinced that I was too jealous to be anything other than monogamous in a relationship. Looking back on it, I don’t think it was my jealousy that prevented me from having threesomes or swinging or looking into polyamory; it was my partners. Now that I’m with someone who I feel safe with and loved by, I actually love participating in group sex with him and bringing other people into our bedroom. Here’s why monogamy isn’t for me:

  1. I can sleep with people without getting attached emotionally. For me, sex and love aren’t interchangeable. Sex is animalistic and can be done without much thought at all. Love involves so much more emotion and time than that. When the two are combined, it can be absolutely amazing. But what happens when you become very physically attracted to someone and are still in love with someone else? For my partner and I, hooking up with other people — together — actually brings us closer.
  2. Swinging with my friends is fun. I love watching my partner bring pleasure to the people we care about. I don’t fear for my relationship because I know that everyone involved is someone who is open and honest about what they want out of the encounter.
  3. Inevitably, I AM going to be physically attracted to other people. And frankly, regardless of whether or not I’m in a relationship; it’s nice to actually be able to explore that attraction. As long as I’m exploring with partners who are honest about what we all want, being sexually adventurous with multiple partners can be freeing and fun too.
  4. I don’t believe human beings are meant to be monogamous. Scarlett Johansson said recently to Playboy that monogamous relationships are a lot of work. “The fact that it is such work for so many people — for everyone — the fact of that proves that it is not a natural thing.” The National Science Foundation even says of the entire animal kingdom, “Not a single mammal species has, thus far, been definitively shown to be truly monogamous.”
  5. Exploring the intimate side of people is exciting and invigorating. Settling on one person and then only exploring that one person sexually for the rest of their lives may work for other people but not for me. I love being able to see a softer, more vulnerable side to people.
  6. Monogamy can actually increase my chances for a bacterial infection to recur. A new study showed that women who had the same sexual partner before and after being treated for bacterial vaginosis (aka BV, a painful vagina bacterial infection) were twice as likely to contract it again when compared to women with different sexual partners. That being said, having sex with multiple partners increases your risk for BV in the first place but who’s keeping score? (Make sure you’re using protection and visiting your gyno regularly, regardless of how many sexual partners you have.)
  7. Polyamory is on the rise. Polyamory consists of having intimate, loving, romantic relationship with multiple people. While TRUE polyamory may not necessarily be right for my partner and I (we don’t search for romance outside of our own duo), it does work for many people. It has been described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy.”
  8. Monogamy would be a waste of my best years of doing it. According to a pair of doctors who wrote the book Don’t Put That in There! And 69 Other Sex Myths Debunked, research shows that women’s libidos tend to nose dive when they’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship but that the same isn’t true for men. The best way I can think to stop that from happening to me is to keep myself interested and engaged sexually. For me, that includes being intimate with multiple people, including my partner.
  9. Divorce rates are at all time high. Why risk all of that money and time and energy entering a legally binding contract if I’m going to keep things monogamous? Bruce Cameron of Cameron Law PLLC in Rochester, Minnesota says the average cost of a divorce is anywhere from $15,000 to $20,000. “Basically it costs as much to get unmarried as it does to get married,” says Cameron.
  10. I’m not worried about my partner cheating on me. A forewarning: Not being monogamous isn’t a foolproof plan to prevent adultery. I have had a partner cheat on me despite the fact that we weren’t monogamous but I feel that’s because he didn’t communicate with me well. Adult film star Stoya wrote recently, “To me, the thing we describe as cheating is lack of respect for boundaries that have been discussed and agreed on, or disregard for a partner’s needs that have been perceived or expressed.” Every relationship is different and what works for one may not work with another. People and their wants and desires change. In any relationship, monogamous or polyamorous, communication is absolutely key to making it last.