How To Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Give It To You

How To Get Closure When Your Ex Won’t Give It To You ©iStock/a-wrangler

Closure to a relationship or even an almost relationship is something we hope for, but don’t always get. In fact, as far as modern dating is concerned, we rarely get it. Sometimes we’re ghosted, and sometimes men run from the communication we need to feel a complete ending that can help us form new beginnings with someone else. There are ways to get closure though, even when he won’t give it to you.

  1. Accept and acknowledge how you feel. When we’re left hanging, it’s completely natural and normal to feel pain, anger and urges to lash out at the problem. You’re not alone in feeling like this; we’ve all been there. The first step of moving forward is acknowledging and accepting that you have a right to be upset, because ghosting and failing to communicate is a crappy thing to do to someone. Period.
  2. Understand you can’t control him. No matter how much you wish he was different and that he would just tell you what went wrong, you need to accept who he is and understand that he won’t change his habits just because you demand it out of him. In fact, quite the opposite is true. Usually the more you push a man for closure and answers, the further you’ll be from ever getting any. Make peace with the fact that you’ll likely never speak to him again.
  3. Write down what you wish you could say. Sometimes writing things down is just simply therapeutic. Go ahead and write him a letter that you’ll never send to say all the things you wish you could say — just make sure you never send it. Have a ceremonial ‘burning of the letter’ party instead, complete with all of the other stuff he left behind.
  4. Accept that he might not respond if you reach out. If you really need to reach out, make it about what you want to say, and not something you expect him to respond to. Sometimes we’re left to swim in a sea of words unspoken that we just wish we could voice. If this happens, it can be pretty helpful for moving on if you send your own message and statement of closure. But again, don’t expect a response. This is a pretty key point.
  5. Recite what you’d want him to say in the mirror. It sounds crazy, but it actually works. It’s like a reverse technique to the letter method. Say all of things you wish he would tell you, or the reasons you think he might have about your relationship ending/ghosting out loud to yourself. Even if they aren’t true, it’ll feel better and give you a sense of closure to have something to replay at least in your own memory bank.
  6. Focus on your future. Look ahead and plan to move on to better things. You’ll likely never speak to him again, and that’s OK, because the end of something is always the beginning of something else. Be positive that better things lie ahead.
  7. Forgive yourself. One of the worst parts about not getting closure or being ghosted is the self-doubt you’re left with. Answer your own questions and forgive yourself for anything you feel you may have done to cause the end of the relationship. In many cases, you haven’t actually done anything wrong.
  8. Think of him fondly… as a loser. Because at the end of the day, you don’t want to be with anyone who can’t communicate like a decent adult, anyway. Give yourself closure, and be thankful you dodged a bullet.