You’ve just realized your Prince Charming isn’t so charming after all, and no matter how many times you beg him to change, your requests get ignored. No amount of begging or nagging is going to get him to change, so you need to take a different approach to get the results you want.
The reward method
.Sometimes getting your guy to change is kind of like training a puppy. Using the reward method will ensure you get more of what you want and less of what you don’t. When your puppy does a trick, you give him a treat, right? Well, you can do the same with your boyfriend. Just make sure the treat is in the form of something he really likes, such as a home cooked meal or a night of mindblowing sex. When he goes out of his way to do something you’ve been begging him to do for a while, rewarding him will encourage him to continue doing the things that make you happy.
Become his teammate instead of his coach.
No one likes to be told what to do, so if you’re barking orders like you’re a drill sergeant, it can lead to a lot of resentment. That’s why it’s best to treat your relationship like a partnership and make sure he knows that you’re both on the same team. Avoid nagging him, and instead tackle your requests with a little bit of teamwork. If you want him to help out around the house more, suggest you both clean up your pad together. You can turn it into a fun, weekly tradition. If he knows that you’re with him and not against him, he might be more inclined to meet your demands.
I’m not suggesting you go cold and ignore him, but limit your verbal communication so that he’ll know something’s up. Guys respond more when you pull away and withhold something from them. Bring your conversations to a screeching halt and he’ll surely ask you what’s wrong. That’ll be your cue to respectfully bring up what he’s doing and what he needs to change. He’ll be more willing to listen because he’ll be so happy that you’re finally speaking to him again!
Give advice instead of nagging.
Getting a guy to change is all about tweaking your approach. Let’s say you want him to take his job more seriously so he can move up in his field. Instead of putting him down and calling him a loser, send him career-focused articles from his line of work or buy him a self-help book that will inspire him to become more successful.
Create a distraction.
Telling him that you need to talk is the quickest way to get him to run for the hills. If you have a request for him, it’s best to ask while he’s distracted. Take him out bowling or go for a hike on a Sunday morning. While the two of you are engaged in your activity, relaxed, and having a good time, it’s the perfect opportunity for you to say what’s on your mind. He’ll be more willing to cater to your demands if he’s relaxed and not feeling pressured.
Show him what you want.
It’s all about leading by example. If you want him to take you to nice dinners, book a reservation for the two of you at a luxe eatery in your city. If you want him to whisk you away on an impromptu vacation, book a staycation for the two of you in a couples-only retreat. Doing the things that you ultimately want him to do is one of the most effective ways to inspire him to change.
Create boundaries and stick to them.
You can’t ask for him to do something and still be OK with him and the relationship when he doesn’t meet your demands. Accepting whatever he gives you will only ruin your relationship in the long run. Creating boundaries means it’s time to determine what you want, what you’ll accept, and what you’ll never put up with. If he knows the relationship is on the line and you’re willing to walk away if he doesn’t straighten himself out, he’ll be more willing to make changes.
Figure out what part you play.
It’s easy to point the finger, but being self-aware and understanding how you’re hindering your relationship is super important. Is there something you’re doing that’s causing him to be so defiant? Are you coming on too strong with your demands and causing him to shut down? If you can discover if you’re playing a part in his resistance to change, you’ll be one step closer to improving your relationship and getting what you want in the end.
Showing gratitude and thanks is something we all forget to do from time to time, but if he’s trying to make small changes, acknowledging his efforts is important. When he opens your door, kills the spider lurking in your closet, checks the mailbox without you having to ask, or refills your glass of water during dinner, look him in the eye and say, “Thank you so much.” It’s as easy as that.
Love him no matter what.
In the end, you have to show him you’re willing to work through your issues. We all have our faults, and he’s probably well aware of his. Showing him that you’ll stand by his side and work through his issues means he’ll be more willing to change.
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