He was always by my side to fight every battle, so when our relationship ended so abruptly, it felt like part of me was lost too. He was a pivotal part of my life and the love I had for him was something I’ll never forget. However, hindsight has given me a clarity I never thought possible. No matter how great the times I spent with him were, he was poison to my life and getting over him was both the hardest and greatest thing I’ve ever done for myself.
We grew too far apart. When we first met, we went together like cheese and pizza, but over time and over life’s great experiences, we grew into two completely different people with very different views on life and real love. No matter how hard we tried to understand each other, we were too far gone from our beginning to see eye to eye anymore. There really was no way of avoiding our fallout.
He was bringing me down constantly. He stopped accepting the things he used to love about me and instead used them as weapons against me. He made me feel bad about who I was by nature and he made my pain feel like a burden. He should have been there for me. Maybe I depended on him too much, but it doesn’t change the fact that after everything I had done for him, he turned his back on me like I was nothing.
He stopped giving a damn and it showed. I could feel him slowly pulling away and making his irritations about me clear. There was always a button to push, a bone to pick and a fault to place onto me. The saddest part is that even after all of the slow emotional torment, I still loved him with all of my heart.
I deserved better than the way he ended things. He didn’t even give me an opportunity to stand up for myself or to explain how I felt at all. He simply took what you knew at face value and stabbed the knife hard and deep right into my heart. How could he? How can someone be so heartless towards someone he claimed to love so much? He didn’t even give me a chance.
He was never willing to stand up for me, so I took the ultimate stand for myself. When we first fell apart, it was like a part of me died. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I couldn’t even hear his name. But then, a funny thing happened — I started to see how badly he was treating me all along. He never fought for me. He didn’t stand up for me or voice his loyalty the way that I did. He was selfish and truly heartless in comparison, actually. I started to realize that the true monster in the story wasn’t me at all, even if he convinced me for so long that I was. He was the one with the mask on all along.
I loved him more than he loved me. As much as he claimed to love me, I know now it wasn’t the truth at all because people who love each other don’t turn against one another so quickly. As much as we may have butted heads and fought, I always wanted to hear him out and see the best in him even if he took cheap shots to tear me down. Now I see that people who truly love you don’t go around treating the people that love them like punching bags.
I finally realized who I was when he was out of my life. I’m not sure if it was because I spent too long trying to make him happy, but once I was free from what we had, I got a much-needed glimpse of myself. Even if he’d hoped I would loathe myself afterwards because he left me with nothing and no one, the exact opposite happened. I realized how completely amazing I am and how much better off I could and would be without him. I can look back and happily say that losing him was for the greater good of my life.
The freedom was stronger than the grief. I won’t pretend that losing him wasn’t hard because it was, and some days I couldn’t believe we had gotten to this point. Even if a part of me felt like it had been left behind, a new and better me was born. I was stronger. I knew better. I actually gave a damn about myself again. Most importantly, I was finally free of the crap that he kept putting me through.
I learned to never let anyone treat me like he did ever again. I thought I was good at protecting my heart from being hurt, but it wasn’t until I broke free of his death grip that I truly understood what self-love and self-care meant. It means not allowing people that claim to love me walk all over me. It means not allowing my needs be overtaken by someone else’s selfish entitlement. He always thought he was the star of our show and he discredited me so often that I’m surprised I had the strength to dig myself out of the hole he left me in… but I did. I’ll never let anyone rob me of my greatness and kick me down like he did ever again.
I remembered what it felt like to truly love myself again. When I look back on us, I still feel a little sad. I’m sad that it turned out this way because when we were good, we were really, REALLY good. Still, being really good doesn’t negate all the ways that he was the worst. I know I wasn’t always perfect, but I do know that I always tried and made the best effort I could at keeping what we once had that used to be so bright and full of love. Getting over him might have been hard, but it was definitely the greatest thing I’ve ever done because for the first time in a long time, I actually love the me that I am without him.
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