Ghosting After A First Date: Why It Happens & How to Cope

Ghosting and first dates go hand in hand. I’m not saying this is right, but won’t be going away anytime soon? Yes, it’s frustrating. Yes, it hurts. And yes, it can be downright rude. Here’s why ghosting happens after a first date and how to cope when it happens to you.

1. Anything could have happened. While we all tend to panic that the person we went on a first date with suddenly ended up in a hospital with a non-serious illness and couldn’t text us back, that’s usually (thankfully) not the case. Unfortunately, we have to come to the realization they didn’t text us back simply due to personal choice, and this choice could be for numerous reasons. It’s easy to make assumptions as to why they thought ghosting you after your first date was the way to go, but you really don’t know what’s going on in a person’s life to make them not want to go on another date. Everybody has their own lives, burdens, and struggles to deal with and you’ve got to remember it really may have nothing to do with you at all.
2. Don’t make negative assumptions about yourself. Ghosting after a first date happens to lots of people. It doesn’t matter how beautiful, smart, talented, etc. you are — you still may not hear back from someone. You can’t even blame technology for this — people have been ghosting each other for a long time and in different ways, so you’re really not the first and won’t be the last. The worst thing to do is to blame yourself and think you’re anything less than great.
3. Nobody likes “conflict.” The main reason people ghost is because they don’t like “conflict.” While I would argue it’s not confrontational to simply tell someone respectfully where you stand and how you feel whether negatively or positively, a lot of people don’t want to deal with being uncomfortable in this scenario. It’s unfortunately more about their feelings than yours, and people will do anything to get away from discomfort even if that means hurting someone else’s feelings.
4. It’s part of who they are. If ghosting is the way someone handles things, then this could be part of their overall attachment style — in this case, avoidant. This means the person who ghosted you may need to work more on themselves before they can be in a healthy relationship, so count this as something you don’t need to deal with in your life right now and move on.
5. There’s someone else. We all hate to admit this one, but it’s likely they were also interested in someone else at the same time. Easily swiping on an app means multiple people we can be connected with and lots of people date more than one person at a time. This means that while they’ve ghosted you after a first date, they’ve probably done it to someone else within the same week or two and in that very same time frame, they’re going on a second date with another person. The world moves fast!
6. They’ve just come out of a relationship. They know you’re awesome, but they also know the situation isn’t awesome for them. They’re looking for fun and to get over someone while you may be looking for a relationship. The easiest way to get out of it altogether and to not hurt feelings further is to ghost. Although feelings will be hurt regardless because ghosting sucks, it’s actually a blessing to not hear from someone who isn’t right for you after a first date rather than further down the track when you’re really in too deep.
7. Variety is the spice of life. People want variety and often wonder while dating if they can have “better.” With this rationale, nothing is ever good enough. Sometimes people are seeking a unicorn to be in the perfect relationship wit,h i.e. someone who is the most attractive but doesn’t think that about themselves, someone so intelligent but still doesn’t make them feel silly, someone so confident they never have any anxiety, etc. This is simply not reality. With the glamorization of people’s lives on social media, it’s easy to think we can always have more or something better and this plays into dating as well. That means you’re likely to get ghosted after a first date because people are too busy searching for perfection instead of seeing what’s right in front of them and working on what it could be.
8. They’re not into you and they don’t know how to tell you. Sometimes it’s as simple as they’re not feeling it. You may have felt it and thought they felt it too, but it’s hard to know what’s really going on in someone’s mind and when they ghost you, that’s their way of telling you. Take actions or even the non-actions of not responding, not setting up another date, etc. to be the answer to all your questions of whether they like you or not. Actions speak louder than words and in this case, they’re screaming they don’t see a future with you. It can be brutal, but let’s be honest, you’ve probably ghosted someone too.

How to deal with ghosting after a first date

1. Leave it be. Getting ghosted after a first date sucks, and it’s only natural that you want to reach out and find out what happened.  You could send 15 text messages, you could call them numerous times, or you could even show up outside their house — I really don’t recommend any of these by the way — but you’re never going to hear what you want to hear from them. It’s best to leave it be for the sake of your own self-respect and sense of dignity. Besides, the person who ghosted you has probably been ghosted by someone else in the past and left them wondering all the things you’re wondering. It really does happen to everyone.
2. You’ve got to get back out there. Don’t let someone ghosting you after a first date make you not want to go on any other first dates. The best way to get over someone is to meet someone else and first dates are meant to be fun. It’s worth it to feel that exciting nervousness of meeting someone for the first time.