Good Conversation Is Way More Intimate To Me Than Sex & I Need A Guy Who Gets That

I don’t think sex is overrated, I think it’s awesome—I just don’t think it’s the be-all-end-all of a relationship. Unfortunately, media and pop culture don’t seem to agree. As a result, lots of men end up thinking that all we women want is to get laid 24/7. Obviously, that’s not the case. In fact, I’d prefer some quality conversation instead.

There’s way too much outside pressure to over-perform. Making love is just that for me: making love. For me, the entire experience is what counts, so being held and feeling loved and safe is already a win-win in my book. And most of the time, I’m perfectly happy with that kind of sex. I don’t think I’m alone in this. Unfortunately, I think men put so much pressure on themselves—or, so much pressure is put on them by other men and the media—to be these massive sex gods. Honestly, I don’t care. Just hold me.

I can never compete with cover girls and movie stars. Now, this point has everything to do with me and my own insecurities. Sometimes, I just don’t feel beautiful and it’s hard to be vulnerable when you’re comparing your squishy, soft body with airbrushed waistlines. You’d rather hide everything underneath sweatpants and oversized tees rather than bare it all. In short, I’m a far cry from the steamy sex scenes plastered all over HD screens. How are they always perfectly waxed and bronzed and beautiful? I know we’re supposed to love and accept our bodies just the way they are because then he will too. But again, sweatpants, please.

I get distracted during sex and he probably does too. Thanks to social media platforms, we’re easily distracted these days. How can we not get distracted during sex if we’re getting sidetracked doing everything else? Sure, sex can be intense and amazing, but sometimes, our short attention spans just can’t handle it. It’s not even that we’re distracted about other things, like the chocolate in the fridge or the last episode of Love Island. The problem is that we get distracted about the sex we’re actually having: Does he like it? Do I like it? Are we there yet?

Sleep is way more important and enjoyable. I know, I know—a very lame but very realistic reason why sex is sometimes the last thing I’d like to partake in. It takes effort, and not just physically. I like to be present with my mind, body, and spirit because if I’m going to love a guy, I want to love him good. At the end of a long day, it’s a lot to ask of me and If I can’t do it well, I’d rather just sleep and try again tomorrow.

Sex is the easy part. Being in a committed relationship will definitely influence the quality of your sex. Practice makes perfect and the longer you’re with someone, the more personal and perfect the sex gets. Nonetheless, I still think sex is the easy part. Anyone can have sex, with or without the chemistry. Instead, the deep connection and history you build together is what leads to irreplaceable, intellectual discussions. That’s stimulating.

I feel more connected when he listens. There are differences between men and women’s brain chemistry, and this influences how each gender feels loved. In general, women need to feel validated and appreciated for who they are in order to feel loved and connected. I know that’s true for me because even if I go through all the motions, I still need more—but not more sex! I just want to be heard and to know that I’m still safe even after he’s listened to me.

Refusing sex isn’t a personal attack but sometimes it can seem that way. If your partner likes to show his or her love by having sex, it makes it harder for you to turn down the sex, doesn’t it? That’s because for your partner, it feels like you’re rejecting them personally, along with their love. But to you, you’re just turning down sex because you’re not in the mood—nothing more and nothing less. It’s tricky to navigate this and sometimes I just bite the bullet and have the sex. Ugh.

We don’t have to go all the way, and I’m fine with that. Some men seem to think there’s something intrinsically wrong with them, or that they’ve totally failed, when they don’t come but I never see it this way. For me, it’s the entire experience that matters most. And coming or going doesn’t really make or break the sex for me.

Sex can be monotonous and if I’m not willing to branch out, I don’t want to settle for the same old thing. Routine, predictable sex is probably one reason why you end up having mindless, distracted intimacy. You can also end up having monotonous sex because you’re afraid to get vulnerable and try new things. Some days, it’s easy to throw caution to the wind, along with my inhibitions and get a little frisky, but there are other nights when I just can’t bring myself to imitate strange illustrated tutorials from Cosmo.

I’m not a sex machine and biology will vouch for me. A woman’s cycle can have a huge impact on her libido. Thanks to the lovely ebb and flow of hormones, there are days when we’re obsessed with sex and other days when sex is the devil. It’s how nature made us and there’s not much we can do about that. I may as well embrace it rather than shove my natural biology to the side just so I can have sex that I don’t even want.

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