I’m Great At Sexting And Wish I Was Good At Dirty Talking But I Feel Too Awkward

Sex becomes routine after a while even in the best relationships, which is why I’ve been thinking about spicing things up a bit by trying something new. I’ve always been relatively quiet in the bedroom and I know vocalizing my most salacious thoughts and feelings would do wonders for my boyfriend. There’s just one problem: the idea of talking dirty freaks me out.

  1. I want to increase and improve our intimacy. I don’t want things to become boring and I’ve heard that dirty talking is an effective way to increase intimacy and enhance sexual experiences between partners because it can reveal your raw sexual personality and lower inhibitions. As a woman who likes to express herself sexually, this sounds like something I’d be into trying out. Easy-peasy, right? Not quite! There’s a big difference in my mind between communicating via moans and light phrases like “I like that” or “that feels good” versus saying “I want you to tie me up and do x, y and z to me.”
  2. I’m great at sexting but actually saying those things aloud is terrifying. I love sexting, which is why I thought that I could move easily into the dirty talking realm pretty easily. But, let’s be honest—it’s so much easier and a lot less stressful to send sexy, dirty texts from your cell phone than it is to say it to someone’s face. The thought of using my vocal chords to audibly communicate some of the dirty texts I’ve sent to my guy makes me shake with nerves.
  3. I loved Fifty Shades and Bared To You so I know I’d be into it. Fifty Shades of Grey and Bared To You are chock full of dirty talk. Aside from a few cringe-worthy moments where the protagonists uttered some odd phrases to each other in the throes of passion, I loved every second of those books. In fact, it’s after reading those books that I even considered dirty talking in the first place. I just have to get a bit of courage and then I know I’d be down.
  4. How do you know if something is too dirty or totally out there? For some reason, I have this crazy idea in my head that one of us is going to say something that’s supposed to be sexy but sounds completely gross. Or, I’ll rehearse something that I think is hot in my head but then when I say it out loud, it sounds totally bizarre and does nothing to arouse either of us. Is there a manual or something I can study for common dirty talking phrases? Is there a guide? Can someone point me to it?
  5. I feel like I’m just going to laugh. Like many people, sometimes I laugh when I’m nervous to take the edge off, and I definitely feel like I’ll totally LOLOLOL if my boyfriend says something super direct and dirty to me or vice versa. What’s weird is that I’m totally intrigued by the thought of dirty talking and I’m curious about it but I’m simultaneously entirely too self-conscious to put myself out there.
  6. I don’t want to mimic a pornstar. I have super mixed feelings when it comes to porn. Personally, I feel like most of it is so scripted that it creates unrealistic expectations for men when it comes to what sex is supposed to be like. I know that dirty talking is pretty fundamental to decent porn but it also feels like just another part of the fake fantasy world that porn creates. I just don’t want my boyfriend to expect me to mimic a pornstar or feel disappointed because my performance didn’t live up to some porn standard.
  7. Will some liquid courage help or will it just be sloppy? Some of my friends have encouraged me to take a few shots or have some wine before I try to dirty talk with my guy. While I’m not categorically opposed to drunk sex, I’m worried that it’ll be sloppy and then the dirty talking will feel that way too. I mean, if I have to drink alcohol to make me brave enough to talk dirty to my guy, am I really ready to do it in the first place? I just need to zen out—I’m pretty sure I’m overthinking at this point.
  8. I just wish my boyfriend would initiate it. In pretty much every other area of my life, I enjoy being in control but when it comes to my sex life, I prefer to follow my boyfriend’s lead, and that’s definitely the case here. Central to my issue is feeling secure doing something that’s totally outside of my comfort zone, so I think that following my boyfriend’s lead will help me feel more confident about talking dirty.
  9. I refuse to call my boyfriend “Daddy.” Erotic stories and porn movies always feature the female partner calling her male partner “Daddy” and I think that’s gross. I can’t think of anything that would make me lose my arousal faster than calling my boyfriend what I called my father as a child. I think I’m just self-conscious to dirty talk because I’m afraid my BF will completely surprise me by wanting something like that and then I’ll get all squirmy and uncomfortable about it. Insert cringe emoji here.
  10. I’m not shy but I’m afraid of embarrassing myself. You would think that after being with someone for so long I wouldn’t care so much about embarrassing myself in front of my boyfriend. And for the most part, I don’t care because I’m not a shy woman by any means, but I think I’m mainly insecure about turning my guy off by completely botching it. I don’t want him to think I’m not sexy and I don’t want to feel less sexy. As an otherwise confident woman, the thought of losing my confidence, especially in the bedroom, makes me super hesitant to try.
Marie is an ambitious millennial woman, leading a corporate life by day and doing her best to live, laugh and love.