My Gut Told Me He Was Lying But I Chose To Believe His Words—Big Mistake

I was completely crazy over a guy who, by all accounts, seemed to feel the same way about me. We were compatible in every way and I really thought he was the real deal… until I started to get the feeling that he was talking to his ex again. He denied it and I believed him, but I’ll never trust a man over my own intuition again.

  1. I couldn’t pinpoint exactly why I was uneasy. I thought I was just PMSing or that the changing seasons were having an effect on my mood. There was no concrete reason for me to believe that my boyfriend’s interest in me had decreased and that he was secretly talking to his ex — hell, he’d blocked her phone number right in front of me one day when she was insulting him via text. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong but a little voice kept telling me there was something off.
  2. He kept telling me I was being “silly.” My boyfriend was all about trust and he told me that if I was ever concerned about ANYTHING, I could ask him about it. So I brought up my worries and he showed me his phone, told me all the reasons he was head over heels for me, and reminded me that his ex had hurt him so badly that he could never forgive her. “You’re being silly,” he said. “You have nothing to worry about.”
  3. My anxiety skyrocketed. No matter what he said, I couldn’t shake the feeling that something just wasn’t right. My anxiety, which is normally only an occasional problem, went through the roof — I spent my days constantly fighting off panic attacks, struggling to work because my thoughts were consumed with all the what ifs that I’d been told were figments of my anxious imagination.
  4. I was worried I’d sound crazy if I kept bringing it up. I brought up my concerns again a few days later and my boyfriend once again assured me that I was being silly. What else could I do? I had no evidence to bring up and I knew that mentioning my fears a third time would be irritating at best. I knew that if I were in his shoes and had done nothing wrong, I’d consider it a massive red flag if he was constantly freaking out that I was talking to my ex, so I kept my mouth shut and dealt with my insecurities on my own.
  5. He did everything by the book to assure me I was worrying about nothing. As far as reassuring your partner goes, my boyfriend’s efforts to get me to trust him were flawless. He blocked his ex on social media even though I didn’t ask him to, he called me one night just to tell me how much he adored me and that he saw a future with me, and he brought me over to his house and introduced me to his friends. He wanted me to know that I wasn’t a “secret girlfriend” and he showed me old messages from his ex that confirmed she knew he had a girlfriend. Objectively speaking, I had absolutely nothing to worry about. But I still worried.
  6. I had to choose between trusting my boyfriend and trusting myself. The most agonizing part of all this was that I had to choose one or the other. If I chose to trust my boyfriend then it would mean that I would forever be doubting my own intuition, never sure if that feeling in the back of my mind was valid or not. If I chose to trust myself, I’d be throwing away what seemed to be a perfect relationship over unsubstantiated suspicions. I felt like I was being torn in two and I didn’t know which option was better.
  7. The little things I noticed were too small to take seriously. Eventually, I asked myself why exactly I couldn’t shake these anxious feelings. The “reasons” I came up with made me sound immature at best and crazy at worst, even to myself: his goodbye kiss was too quick the other day, he would look at text messages without responding to them, and although he only spoke about his ex negatively, he still spoke about her a little too much. It would be like predicting a hurricane because you felt a raindrop and I wasn’t about to base my fears on that.
  8. When the truth came out, I felt vindicated. As I was saying goodbye to my boyfriend one day, his phone rang, and I saw that it was his ex calling him. My boyfriend put his phone back into his pocket and said, “I’ll call him back later.” I called him out for lying to my face about who was calling him and he finally admitted that I was right. He was talking to his ex “as friends” again and his feelings for me had pretty much died. I was distraught and broke down crying but at the same time, I felt totally vindicated. My fears about being crazy evaporated, and although I was in the process of getting dumped, I knew I’d be OK.
  9. I learned that I should never ignore my gut feeling again. Unsurprisingly, my then-boyfriend got back together with his ex almost immediately after we’d broken up. I thought I’d be upset but I was actually kinda happy. Although the experience was painful, it taught me that if a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach just won’t let go, there’s probably a reason for it. I listen to my intuition a lot more now and it’s helped me dodge some serious dating bullets. The lying boyfriend that I lost was well worth the trust in myself that I regained.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.