If A Guy Won’t Define The Relationship, We Don’t Have One—Simple As That

There’s this unspoken rule in dating: don’t ask him where things are going or you’ll put him off. Screw that. Here are 15 reasons I won’t stick around with a guy unless we’ve defined the relationship:

  1. I have a right to know what’s going on. This is my life and I’m not just dating to kill time. I want to know where things are going because I’m the one who’s going with them. They’d better be headed to a committed, official relationship, not a fling.
  2. I don’t want to waste my time. Waiting around for a guy to tell me what he wants is such BS. I honestly have better things to do with my time. I want a guy who’s open and honest about what he wants from the beginning. It shows me there’s no hidden agenda.
  3. I don’t want to miss other opportunities. By being with a guy who’s leading me on, I’m actually cutting myself off from other romantic opportunities. There could be better guys out there who want to define a relationship, and thanks to this loser, I’m missing out on them.
  4. I want us to grow. I want to be with a guy who will make things official because he’s looking for a serious relationship that will grow over time. In this way, defining the relationship helps us see we’re on the same page, so it’s very important.
  5. I don’t want to get my heart broken. There’s nothing worse than waiting around for a guy who doesn’t actually want to take the relationship to the next level. If we want different things, I should know right from the start before I invest my feelings.
  6. I want to be able to make an informed decision. I wouldn’t buy a car without knowing the payment terms. I wouldn’t start a new job without knowing what’s expected of me by my boss. Why should getting into a relationship be any different? I want to know what I’m getting myself into and if I’m going to be happy. It’s logical!
  7. It’s dodgy if he can’t have “The Talk.” At some point, everyone in a relationship needs to have “The Talk” with their partner to understand where both parties are coming from and where they see the relationship going. If he can’t have this discussion, it’s a sign that he’s not serious at all.
  8. If he doesn’t like labels, he must GTFO. A guy who says he doesn’t want to define the relationship or who doesn’t like labels is too much of a man-child for me. I want a guy who’s man enough to want an official, exclusive relationship.
  9. I’m not “crazy” or “clingy.” I used to shy away from asking a guy to define the relationship because I didn’t want to be seen as desperate, too intense, or other insulting terms. But then I realized that men who call women these things for wanting to know where the relationship is going are really just trying to avoid the topic altogether. Screw that.
  10. I care about myself more than any man. I want to feel good about the relationship and have inner peace. I don’t want to be sitting there wondering if the guy sees a future with me or not. Nope. I respect myself too much to put myself under such stress.
  11. If he can’t tell me what he wants, he’s a jerk. How the hell can a guy who isn’t clear about his relationship intentions ever be a good thing for me? It either means he doesn’t even know himself or he’s just trying to be sneaky, such as guys who avoid having “The Talk” so they can enjoy a casual setup instead of something committed. Ugh.
  12. I’m going to get vocal. I used to think the guy had to make things official and talk to me about what he wants, but I’m so done with that. If we reach a point in the relationship where I feel it’s necessary to know where we’re headed, I’m going to speak up about it. I don’t give him all the power. Defining the relationship is about both of our needs and wants.
  13. There’s no time limit, but… I know that relationships progress in different ways and there’s no time limit on when a relationship should become official. But I get a sense when a guy’s dragging his feet or keeping our relationship stuck in one place. For instance, if he seems to avoid commitment or relationship milestones. I want to know that he’s 100 percent invested in the relationship—and proving it with his actions.
  14. If he feels pressure, that’s his own issue. I’m not cornering the guy and demanding answers like some lunatic. I’m just keen to talk about the relationship. What’s the big deal? If a guy feels pressured by this, it’s highly likely that he wouldn’t have done anything about the relationship in the first place. He’s not “pressured,” he just doesn’t want me enough. That’s what’s really going on.
  15. Defining the relationship is the mark of a serious man. A man who isn’t afraid to make his intentions clear is a serious guy who’s worthy of my time. Anything less just doesn’t cut it. I refuse to chase a guy or wait around for him. If he sees my worth, he’d never let things go that way. He’d snap me up fast with no hesitation.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.