If A Guy Does These Things In Bed The First Time We Sleep Together, There Won’t Be A Second Time

There’s nothing quite like sleeping with a guy for the first time—the anticipation, the desire, the relief at breaking a dry spell… But nothing ruins those positive emotions faster than a boudoir buddy who turns out to be a complete clod between the sheets. If a guy wants an invite to share my bed a second time, he really needs to avoid these faux pas the first time.

  1. Flip the bright lights on after I’ve turned them off It’s hard enough to concentrate on first-time-with-a-new-guy sex in dim lighting. Brilliant incandescence complicates things even more. I’d just prefer to figure out all my maneuvers in the relative privacy of not being able to see each other well. And I do NOT want to be subjected to his O face the first time!
  2. Pull off the blankets when it’s cold I know, I know. He’s going to so inflame me with desire that I could run out into snow barefoot and feel fine. Cue eye roll. Just because he runs hot doesn’t mean he’s got enough sizzle to rev up my freezing naked butt. And when my body tenses with cold, I can’t relax enough for satisfying sex. When the covers come off, my big woolly socks and long-sleeve shirt go on.
  3. Change it up after I say “that feels good” What’s he even thinking when I compliment him and he immediately ceases to do the thing that’s felt best so far? Is it that guys are always confident they’re about to blow our minds with their prowess? Do they think they know our bodies better than we do? I’m not an expert on male sexual psychology, but one thing’s for sure: when I tell him I like what he’s doing, it’s not a dare. He needs to appreciate the positive feedback and keep playing the greatest hits. Save the innovations for the next round.
  4. Keep asking me to orgasm Yeah, thanks for the invitation. I was obviously awaiting his permission, and now that he’s greenlit my release, I’m ready to… call a guy who realizes that getting off isn’t a race. He can focus on my bodily responses if he wants to be the best I’ve ever had, but I don’t grill him on his status, and he shouldn’t grill me on mine. Related note—unless he’s ready for the honest answer, he shouldn’t ask me afterward if I came.
  5. Call me names or tell me to beg Fetishizing sex as something filthy and furtive isn’t my game. I’m not judging anyone else’s form of pleasure, but to me, the context of naughtiness makes sex more silly than seductive. Show some respect. I am NOT a dirty little slut or a bad girl. I don’t want daddy to punish me. And if he starts spouting such poetic phrases during the act, it’ll be almost impossible for me to hold back the laughter. On the other hand, if he wants to call me Wonder Woman, I guess I’m cool with that.
  6. Expect porn star moves Uh, I’m no contortionist. Sure, I’ve got moves and rhythm. Yes, I enjoy the workout, but I’m not a perfectly limber, infinitely bendable sex siren. If I turn the wrong way, I’ll get a cramp or sprain a knee or some other unerotic thing. I’ve always found it’s best to be yourself in any situation. In my case, a moderately-in-shape 32-year-old woman who really likes good sex but isn’t looking to compete with choreographed actors in the turning-men-on department.
  7. Take himself way too seriously When we’re all splayed out in this vulnerable, connected position, it’s really okay to crack a smile. Sweaty bellies slap and squelch. Ticklish parts get stimulated. Farts are a thing. I get creeped out when the boy is just lying there with an expression of stoic concentration on his face. I need a partner who can riff off all the ridiculous moments that occur during intimacy. If we can’t loosen up together enough to savor every angle (and every odd noise), we’re not a good match.
  8. Give me lip about using a condom Of course I want us both to lose ourselves in the moment and crescendo in a frenzied passion of tangled limbs. Regardless, my sexual health matters a thousand times more than his physical pleasure. It even matters more than MY sexual pleasure. Does it feel good to go bare? Yep. Do I prefer to forego condoms in specific, well-vetted situations when I’m using another form of birth control and have reasonable assurance of his sexual history? Sure. But every time a dude suggests that he’d rather be “natural” with me, I remind him that there’s nothing more natural than childbirth and I don’t want to be a mommy.
  9. Leave a condom on the floor I know he can’t wait to free himself from his latex prison, but I don’t want the damn thing left lying around. A conscientious guy takes five seconds to walk it to the bathroom trash when he goes to do his postcoital cleanup. If he thinks it’s gross for him to handle it, imagine how much grosser it is for me. I’d never ask him to deal with my used menstrual products, so he shouldn’t expect me to deal with his semen catcher.
  10. Immediately bust out the phone as soon as it’s over Sometimes it’s nice to disengage a little after a good romp, especially if you’re still getting a feel for a new partner. But nothing says “I don’t care about you” quite like checking the charge on his iPhone the second we’ve finished. He can easily to take five without powering up the tech. Offer to get me a glass of water or suggest that we each enjoy a separate soothing shower. I have no problem giving a guy space. I’m just not willing to feel like a break between Facebook updates.
Jackie Dever is a freelance writer and editor in Southern California. When she's not working, she enjoys hiking, reading, and sampling craft beers.