What Guys Think After A One-Night Stand

If you’ve ever had a one-night stand, looked over at the guy, and wondered what he was thinking, today is your lucky day. To be fair, not all guys think the same exact thing after getting it on with someone we just met, but here are a dozen or so things that could be going through our heads after hooking up.

  1. “Nice!” This may sound a little crass, but sex can be life-affirming. Good or bad, it’s always nice to get some, and at least in the moments immediately after, most guys will be rather pleased with ourselves. If it helps, part of our excitement is that we’re flattered that one of you ladies chose to have sex with us when you could have gone home with some other guy or done anything else with your night.
  2. “And this girl’s name is…?” Sorry, but some of us are just bad with names. It’s nothing personal, it’s just that there usually aren’t a lot of coherent thoughts running through our heads during sex. When it’s over, it’s tough to circle back around and remember the name of someone we only met that night. Plus, if there was any alcohol consumed between the time we met and when we had sex, remembering your name is going to be that much more difficult. We’re almost certain women forget names sometimes too… maybe.
  3. “I’ve done better.” Again, this sounds a bit crass, but at least we’re only thinking this and not saying it out loud. Once the initial thrill of having sex starts to wear off, it’s hard not to compare the experience and the girl to past lovers, or at least the most recent. Sorry, ladies, but odds are you’re not the best lover we’ve ever had (if you are, we’ll probably say so). That doesn’t mean we’re not grateful for the experience. Plus, you’ve probably done better too, so we’re cool, right?
  4. “What was I thinking?” Yes, guys will sometimes regret one-night stands too. It’s rare, but men are sometimes in a rough place emotionally and want to have some fun without thinking about how it’s going to feel afterward. If you get this vibe from one of us, remember that it’s not about you, it’s about us.
  5. “I hope she’s on the pill.” You’re not the only one who starts worrying about the consequences of sex once it’s over. I’m not saying this is a huge concern for most guys during every one-night stand, but some of us will start to think about STDs, pregnancy, and that sort of thing, ya know, once it’s too late to put on a condom. It’s the thought that counts, right?
  6. “I wonder how often she does this?” Obviously, we know how many one-night stands we’ve had, but we may also be wondering how often you take strangers home. Even if we don’t ask this question, which is possible, odds are we’re thinking about it. Don’t worry, we’re not judging you and we don’t think you’re slutty or anything, we’re just a little curious is all.
  7. “I wouldn’t mind doing that again.” If the sex was really good—like really good—a guy will start thinking about trying to sleep with you again. Sometimes, Round 2 could take place a few minutes later. On other occasions, we may actually consider asking you out on a proper date. This particular thought probably isn’t the most common one for a man to have after a one-night stand, but with the right person, it does occur to us from time to time.
  8. “Why did she/I spend the night?” If we somehow fall asleep and wake up when the sun is out, this is probably the first thought we’ll have. Right after sex, spending the night can seem like a good idea, but when the sun comes up, there’s a good chance things will get awkward and we’ll be hating ourselves for spending the night or letting you spend the night. Again, try not to take this personally.
  9. “I hope she doesn’t think this is going anywhere.” In defense of my gender, this isn’t something all guys will think after a one-night stand, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit that a (low) class of men exists that live in constant fear of a woman catching feelings and trying to turn a one-night stand into something more. Again, not all guys are like this, but just in case, it’s usually good to keep expectations at a minimum following a one-night stand.
  10. “I wonder if she’ll tell her friends about…” You may not know this, but guys can be insecure sometimes too. We also know that you ladies like to gossip, so it’s possible that after a one-night stand we’re worried that you’ll tell your friends all about our messy apartment, our performance in bed, the size of our penis, our Superman sheets, or any other notable observations you made. I mean, whatever happened to some things staying between us (even if we just met and will probably never see each other again)? Not cool, ladies, not cool.
  11. “This could have been a mistake.” Again, this will be a rare thought, but some guys just aren’t built to have one-night stands. If we end up giving it a try, there’s a chance we’ll end up regretting it afterward. Again, this is no reflection on you even if it seems like it is.

What guys definitely aren’t thinking after a one-night stand

  1. “I’m head over heels in love with this girl!” This is probably totally obvious but it still bears saying. Men don’t fall for a woman out of nowhere simply because we slept with you. We don’t wake up the next morning convinced we’ve just met the love of our life and that there’s some deep connection there. It was just a hookup. It might have been good sex, but it was just sex nonetheless.
  2. “I wonder if she wants to have breakfast together.” Sorry, ladies, but this just isn’t happening. If you slept over at our place, we’ll likely be in a hurry to get you out the door as soon as possible. If we fell asleep at your place, we’ll be gathering our clothes and trying to sneak out the door before you even wake up. That’s just the way it goes.
  3. “I should definitely give her my number.” I mean, we might end up giving you our phone number, but it’ll likely be because we don’t want to come off like a jerk. However, if we do give you our number, we’ll probably be hoping you won’t use it unless it’s to have a repeat of the night before. Even then, we’ll be hesitant because we don’t want to give you the wrong idea.
  4. “I need to stop doing this and settle down.” Having a one-night stand isn’t something we do by accident. Sleeping with you, no matter how good it is, isn’t going to cause us to have some epiphany about how we want to settle down in a real relationship. If we did, we wouldn’t be having random hookups.
  5. “I’m definitely not telling my friends about this.” Guys talk. You probably know this already, but there’s no way we’re not going to tell our friends about our hookup. However, you should take this as a compliment, because we wouldn’t be bragging about it if it wasn’t any good.

Bryan Zarpentine is a freelance writer and editor whose work can be seen in many forms throughout the Information Superhighway.