One inescapable fact about dating is that everyone has a history. However, that doesn’t mean that your past is a great topic of conversation for your current relationship. In fact, one assumption you can make about any guy you date is that he doesn’t want to hear about your ex. You might be tempted to bring it up, but here’s why you shouldn’t.
- He’ll suspect you haven’t moved on. You may say you’re over it when bringing up your ex, but that’s not all that convincing. Do you know who’s actually “over it”? The girl who doesn’t talk about her ex at all. If you’re compelled to talk about your last boyfriend with your new one, it screams “ex-boyfriend hangups.) When you talk about something, it means you’re thinking about it. No guy wants to put up with that or get involved in something new with someone who’s got feelings for her last partner to some extent.
- Whatever issues you have, they’re yours. This might sound a little harsh, but it’s not up to your new boyfriend to fix the issues from your past relationships. It’s up to you to figure out what went wrong and prevent the same thing from happening again. Talking about failed relationships with a new beau isn’t going to solve things. That’s why you have friends and family members. It’s unfair to burden a new guy with stuff like this.
- It interferes with a new relationship. Keep in mind that the early part of a relationship is all about getting to know the other person. If you start dating a guy, he wants to know about you, not your ex. You don’t want to bring up your ex and put your whole life in terms of a relationship that’s over. If you do that, you probably shouldn’t be dating in the first place.
- He doesn’t want visuals. When you talk about your ex with your current boyfriend, odds are he’s going to start imaging the two of you together. That’s something you’ll want to avoid. Most guys want to keep up the delusion that we’re the first person you’ve ever dated, kissed, and told your deepest secrets. I’m not saying it’s healthy, I’m just saying it happens. Having to hear about a woman’s ex ruins that. You don’t need to make it easier for your current boyfriend to envision you frolicking around about town with some other guy.
- You’re setting yourself up for failure. When a guy has to hear you talk about your ex, sooner or later, he’ll start to think that he’ll just end up another ex-boyfriend as well. That doesn’t sound like a strong foundation for a new relationship, does it? Most guys are likely to mentally check out, fearing that in a few months you’ll just be talking about them with some other guy. Even if you’re a little hung up on your last boyfriend/relationship, you need to start your new one with a clean slate. The only way to do that is to avoid bringing up your ex at all.
- You’ll seem petty. You might think trashing your ex-boyfriend is a good idea, but it’s not. Again, if you need to vent, you have friends and family members for that. There’s no need to bring your new boyfriend into the picture. For starters, he’ll worry that you’ll have nothing but terrible things to say about him, so he’ll shut down and won’t open up to you. It’ll also make you appear a little petty and childish, which isn’t what you want with a new guy.
- It’ll lead to comparisons. If there’s one thing that nearly every guy on the planet hates, it’s a woman comparing them to other guys, especially their ex-boyfriends. When you mention your ex, a guy can’t help but think about how he stacks up against the guys from your past. Even if you only say bad things about your previous partner, your new guy could find similarities between himself and your ex. Right off the bat, he’ll start thinking that he’s not a good fit for you and the relationship will be dead in the water.
- It makes for bad conversation. Perhaps more than anything, your ex-boyfriend is just a bad topic of conversation on a date. Shouldn’t you be talking about your interests and things you have in common? Well, I guarantee any guy on a date with you has no interest in who you were with before him. He doesn’t want to know his name, his hobbies, or even his many shortcomings as a person. If you bring this up, odds are, the guy will be disinterested in anything you have to say. Talking about your ex just isn’t a good way to find common ground and start building a new relationship.