I’ll admit, dating a guy who looked like a Givenchy model was initially exciting. I went through all that gag-worthy “What does he see in me? I’m so lucky!” phase, but then your facade started to peel away and underneath the Dreamy Boyfriend With Amazing Hair act, you were a nightmare who tried to pull a lot of crap and get by on the coattails of your drop-dead gorgeous looks. Screw that.
- You underestimated my standards. Perhaps you were used to dating other women who never questioned why you were ignoring their texts for days even though you had plans or they turned a blind eye to your cheating ways so that they could have a trophy boyfriend, but I wasn’t one of them and you learned that the hard way.
- You won’t be gorgeous forever. You were so used to getting appreciative looks from women all around us that you knew you could move onto the next (un)lucky contestant whenever you wanted. You thought that was your power, but it’s actually really sad because you’re a commitment-phobe who’ll be alone one day when your looks start to need an Instagram filter just to look decent.
- Your personality actually made you ugly. When I started noticing that you weren’t such a great catch, like when you were rude to the waiter or acted like the world owed you something just because you were hot, I saw glimpses of your arrogant personality and it was not a pretty sight.
- Your good looks weren’t enough — no one’s are. Being gorgeous is a great quality, but not if there’s nothing to back it up. Your beauty became boring because you didn’t have a foundation of substantial things, such as loyalty, honesty and integrity, behind it. These are just as important as a strong physical connection and way more important than if you have a six-pack.
- You’ve got more issues than Vogue. Every time we were out, you’d say some woman (or guy) was looking at you in a funny way or hitting on you. It isn’t easy being so attractive. If I had to listen to one more conversation about how being attractive is so difficult because people are either jealous of you or want to have sex with you, I’d have poked out my eye with those tweezers you were always fiddling with. Get over yourself.
- You preyed on my low self-esteem. When we first met, I had low self-esteem and having such a gorgeous guy interested in me was quite captivating. You thought that made it easy for you to be a crappy boyfriend. You could see how into you I was and that made you make less effort. You knew I saw you as a prize and perhaps figured I was so desperate to keep you around that I wouldn’t care if you won Worst Boyfriend of the Year Award. But you were wrong. I worked through my issues and found my self-worth so I could kick you and your lazy ass to the curb.
- You ego should have its own zip code. You’re hot and you know it — you were always fixing your hair in the mirror, checking yourself out in teaspoons and smiling your billion-dollar smile in the rear view mirror. But this obsession with yourself was more than physical. Remember the time you interrupted what I was saying about my grandmother being in hospital so that you could rattle off something about yourself? Excessive vanity might start with one’s appearance but it spreads into full-blown selfishness and makes for a fatal flaw. I might as well have been dating my dog. At least he makes eye contact.