I honestly thought we would be together forever. Imagine my surprise when you broke up with me out of nowhere and dropped the old, “I hope we can stay friends” as a consolation prize. WTF — you just broke my heart and you want to be friends? Absolutely not! Now leave me alone so I can delete every picture of you on my Instagram account.
- I already have friends. Some girls can be friends with their exes — I’m not one of them. Even if I was, the “friendship” would be a complete lie. I would be pretending to be your friend while secretly hoping that you’ll fall back in love with me. What if you start dating someone? Would you expect me to hang out with you and your new girlfriend? That doesn’t sound like a situation I need to be a part of. Thanks for the offer, but I’m going to have to pass.
- You’re the one who broke up with me. You ended our relationship via text message — how would we still be good? To be honest, we’re low key enemies right now! Any guy that breaks up with a girl on the phone is a giant a-hole. If you’re man enough to be in a relationship, you better be man enough to end that relationship in person! Joe Jonas broke up with Taylor Swift on the phone and now look at him — dumped by a supermodel for a better-looking guy… talk about karma. What goes around comes around, and I can’t wait for you to get what’s coming to you.
- Don’t text me with apologies — it’s too late. Fun Fact — I don’t care if you’re sorry. I don’t want to hear that “this was the hardest decision you’ve ever made” BS. Is that supposed to make me feel better? It doesn’t! Honestly, it just digs the knife deeper. It sucks that you aren’t happy, but I don’t appreciate you making this all about you! You feel bad that you hurt my feelings? Poor you! I’m sorry that breaking up with me didn’t go as smoothly as you had planned — oh, to be in your shoes right now.
- You don’t get to be the nice guy. Listen up, you’re the bad guy here — you need to proudly accept that title. There’s nothing more annoying than a guy who tries to come out of a breakup smelling like roses. You can apologize all you want, but there’s nothing you could say that would make me see you differently. In my eyes, you’ll always be the guy who blindsided me with a breakup.
- I know it won’t last forever, but I really hate you right now. Show me a girl hugging her boyfriend right after he dumps her, and I’ll show you a girl you should stay away from — she’s planning some serious revenge. It’s ridiculous for you to think that my feelings would go away just because you’ve decided to end the relationship. Are you really surprised that I’m not all smiles right now? Every woman is given a free pass after a breakup — we can be as crazy and pissed off as we want to be, at least for a while. I will not let you take that right away from me!
- No, I’m not okay, but I will be eventually. Please don’t ask me if I’m okay. Obviously, I’m not okay! It feels like my life is over — at least until I start drowning my sorrows in vodka and cupcakes! Breakups are hard. I know I’ll eventually get over this, but right now I need time to process my emotions without you texting me every five seconds. It’s selfish of you to reach out to me. Would you want me be blowing up your phone a day after I broke up with you? I doubt it — stop texting me so I can mourn in peace.
- Don’t act like you did me a favor. “I did this for us.” “I was holding you back.” “You deserve someone better than me.” Shut the f*ck up! Don’t make excuses in order to make yourself feel better. You broke up with me because you wanted to. Period. It wasn’t because you felt like you were “holding me back.” Be a man, and own up to what you did — don’t hide behind mediocre excuses!
- We were never friends. In my opinion, there’s no reason to be friends with an ex. We met, we liked each other, and we started dating — we weren’t friends before our relationship, so why would be friends after? The only reason I can think of for why you would want to stay friends is so you can keep tabs on me. You broke up with me, so you no longer have the right to know my whereabouts. If the relationship is over, so is our so called “friendship.” Besides, I already have, like, five friends — six would be excessive!
- I don’t want to hear from you. Why would I want to talk to the guy who just broke my heart? There may be some women out there who want to hear from an ex after a breakup, but I don’t. Unless you’re calling to tell me that your body was taken over by aliens the night you broke up with me , I don’t want to talk to you! There’s literally nothing you could say to make me feel better, so don’t even try! The best thing you could do for me is give me space — space is the only friend a girl needs after a breakup… well, space and alcohol.
- Time heals everything. If you’re really serious about being friends, give it time! Asking for friendship right after a breakup isn’t a good idea. All it does is tell me that your romantic feelings for me are good and gone — if you still loved me, there’s no way you could just be my friend. When I fell for you, I fell hard, so it’s going to take more than a week for me to get over you. You want to be my friend? Try reaching out to me in a few months when I’ve had time to cool off.
