Guys Always Assume I Want A Relationship When I Really Just Want To Hook Up

I’m not in the market for a serious boyfriend right now, but that doesn’t mean I want to be completely celibate until I do decide I want a relationship. The problem, though, is that every time I find someone I want to hook up with, he assumes that I’m only pursuing him because I want to seriously date him. It used to just be a minor inconvenience, but now, it’s seriously affecting my dating life… and not for the better.

  1. I’m tired of being stereotyped. I feel like everyone thinks that women are always the ones who want something more than just sex, and in some cases, it’s definitely true. But that doesn’t mean that ALL of us want a serious relationship, and I’m sick of being lumped in with all the girls who are searching for a long-term partner. I treat all the guys I interact with like the individuals they are, so I don’t why it’s so hard for them to do the same to me.
  2. I’m terrified of commitment.  I seriously want to scream this every time a guy assumes that I’m looking for something more than a single night of fun. It’s not like I could go either way in terms of what I want out of a guy I’m talking to — I’m straight-up scared of any type of relationship that goes beyond friends with benefits. There’s literally no risk of me asking what’s up with “us”, so that makes it even worse when guys get all weird about it.
  3. I don’t want to make things complicated. I have zero desire to make things more difficult than they have to be when it comes to this stuff. Part of the reason I like casual hookups is because of how simple they are, and when a guy messes that up, it ruins the whole vibe for me. I’m always straight-up about what I want, which makes it all the more frustrating when the guy I’m messing around with starts asking unnecessary questions or making ignorant assumptions.
  4. It’s killing my sex life. There have been times when I really just wanted to hook up with someone, but he turned me down strictly because he thought I’d be one of those people who SAY they only want sex when they really want a committed relationship. I’m just trying to have some adult fun here, but it’s pretty difficult when people make completely baseless assumptions about my intentions.
  5. I always attract clingers. Life is just full of cruel irony, and this is most definitely true in my dating life. So many women have trouble finding someone who wants to commit to them, but my struggle is finding someone who just wants to have an easy night of fun without wanting to settle down right away. For some reason, most guys I attract are looking for something long-term, and then when they find out I don’t want it, they get super upset. All I want is a guy who’s just as scared of commitment as I am.
  6. Just because I’m affectionate doesn’t mean I want something serious. To be completely honest, I’m a huge cuddle bug in the sack. I like kissing, snuggling, and generally being physically affectionate. But if you think this means I’m looking for something more than just one night, you’ve made a huge mistake. I just like being in the moment, and for me, that means going all-out, physically speaking. I can’t stand it when guys make assumptions based on that alone.
  7. I just want to have fun. Is it really so much to ask for? Life is hectic enough, and the last thing I want is the added stress of a guy I hooked up with acting like he’s worried about how I’m going to act after we’ve put our clothes back on. I try to let loose and have a good time in bed, so I get a little bitter when a guy I’m messing around with can’t do the same.
  8. Guys get so paranoid. Sometimes, post-sex pillow talk seems more like an interrogation. “You know this is just a one-time thing, right?” “You know I’m not looking for anything serious, right?” Holy crap, dude — we’re on the same page here, so don’t make it awkward. Even after I’ve very plainly stated what my intentions are, I still come in contact with too many sexual partners who think I’m just waiting for the moment to reveal my casual attitude about casual sex was all a huge lie. Chill, bro.
  9. It ruins the vibe. Nothing kills my lady hard-on faster than having to constantly reassure a hookup that he’s really just a hookup and not a future object of my obsession. If I say something once, I mean it, so there’s no reason to ruin the moment instead of just going with the flow.
  10. It’s no big deal when guys just want something casual. Talk about double standards. Guys are pretty much expected to want a strictly casual relationship, but the second a woman says she’s looking for the same thing, she gets some serious side-eye. It’s 2017, y’all —let’s do better and accept that there are lots of women out there like me who only want to mess around with no strings attached.
Averi is a word nerd and Brazilian jiu jitsu brown belt. She's also a TEFL/TESOL-certified ESL teacher and an equine enthusiast. Originally from Pennsylvania, she lived in Costa Rica for a while before moving to Australia. In addition to her work as a writer and editor for Bolde, she also has bylines with Little Things and regularly writes for Jiu-Jitsu Times.

You can follow Averi on Instagram @bjjaveri or on Twitter under the same handle.