To The Guys Who Only Call Late At Night — GTFO

For some reason, guys are living under the illusion that the late night phone call is a coveted event and that we’re all nestled into our blankets, eagerly awaiting the sound of our phones waking us up out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night. I don’t know who ever made this a thing (and I curse whoever did), but it needs to end immediately. To the guys who call late at night, please gtfo ASAP.

1. Who the hell do you think you are? The “U up?” text or the 17 missed calls we see from you in the morning isn’t cute. You might as well type out “I want sex” and be done with it. We seriously don’t understand how you think going from taking us out on proper dates to feeling like you have an open invitation to climb into bed with us at any hour you please after one date is acceptable. It’s not, so stop dialing.
2. Manners: Learn them. Didn’t your mother teach you any manners? Where exactly in your upbringing did you pick up on the idea that calling late at night to invite yourself over for a late night rendezvous would leave us weak in the knees? It might have been cute in the Dawson’s Creek era, where throwing pebbles at our windows when our parents went to bed was considered adorable, but as grown women, your dial-up version is not only terrible, it’s also lazy as hell.
3. This isn’t drive-thru service. We’re not a 24/7 drive-thru pick up window service. If you want to spend some time with us, plan it advance like a responsible adult should. If you want fast cheap and easy, hit up a Burger King.
4. You have hands for a reason. If we weren’t an option, let’s be real, you’d go home and satisfy yourself like you would any other day. It shouldn’t be any different just because you’ve taken us out on a date or two. Even in a serious relationship, using anyone as a late night hook-up is just rude. Go home to your Lubriderm and call us in the morning.
5. We like our sleep. As much as you’d like to believe we’re just lying in bed in some lacy lingerie waiting for the phone to ring to invite you right on over, you’re completely hallucinating. If we’re at home and it’s late, we’re probably sleeping, and our rest is precious to us. We’re not about to interrupt our peace just to let you get your rocks off.
6. If we weren’t invited to come out, you’re not invited to come in. So, we weren’t invited to come out with you, but we should be flattered you still wanted to see us anyway? It’s completely absurd the types of reasoning men will come up with just to avoid looking like the sleezeballs they are. If we weren’t invited to the party, we won’t have one waiting for you.
7. You’re not being spontaneously romantic. You might think it’s cute, but women don’t see late night hook-ups as romantic. We’d find more romance in you showing up in the morning with hangover fast food and lattes for us to enjoy together than any late night phone call to screw us ever could.
8. You’re making things awkward AF. You go from exciting to player really quick when we’re dating you happily and you suddenly switch us into a late night rotation. You might not see it the way we do, but it feels like we’re being downgraded. Relationships should be about constantly improving and making things better — not making us feel like we’re only good for one thing.
9. Work harder. A little effort goes a long way. Instead of calling us and waking us out of bed late at night to try and convince us to let you come over, just send a “thinking of you” text instead. We’re getting pretty sick of the lazy ass ways men behave in this dating culture and it’s up to you to start getting your stuff together. Grow up.