Guys, If We Do Any Of These Things In Bed, Sorry, But We’re Faking It

As someone who’s faked their share of orgasms, I feel like I’m a pretty credible source for all you guys who want to know whether or not your lady is trying to preserve your ego. To be honest, if you have to ask, you probably already know the answer. Still, if you’re just not sure, here are some signs to look out for.

  1. She goes above and beyond with the moaning and groaning. Does she scream a little too loud while you two are in bed? Enough said. Sex isn’t like the movies or porn. Women typically don’t scream at the top of our lungs when we’re having an orgasm. We don’t perfectly moan, we pant and our facial expressions are all over the place—and not in a cute and sexy way. If her orgasm seems straight out of the last thing you streamed on RedTube, it ain’t real.
  2. Her breathing doesn’t get ragged. When people are about to orgasm, their breathing gets faster and their heart rate speeds up. If everything pretty much stays the same from start to finish, she’s not having an orgasm. Pay attention to your partner. You’re right up on her, after all. You should be able to tell whether her breath and heart rate increase. If you can’t, you need to learn how to become a more attentive lover.
  3. She’s looking directly at you. Here’s the thing about orgasms: you can’t focus on anything when you’re having one! This means that realistically, there’s no way she’d be able to make sincere eye contact with you if she was actually having an orgasm. Her eyesight would be elsewhere, her blinking would probably increase, and her eyes might even roll back a little. If your eyes are locked, it’s not going down.
  4. She’s talking a lot and seems pretty coherent. A woman who’s enjoying herself—like, really enjoying herself—isn’t going to talk during the deed. It’s like when you go to the movies—you’re not going to talk through it if you’re enjoying it, are you? No, you’re going to sit and watch with great focus. The same goes for an orgasm. If she’s bringing up the weather or even if she’s complimenting you, she’s not having an orgasm. You can’t talk and orgasm at the same time. Facts.
  5. She only comes after you do. You’ve finished (maybe a couple times) and now you’re probably tired. But after a couple minutes of thrusting, she hasn’t had an orgasm. So, naturally, you moan and ask, “Did you come yet?” That’s a really loaded question, fellas. Basically, now she’s going to fake it so she doesn’t make you feel bad. She really doesn’t have a choice since you’re basically rushing her to finish.
  6. She doesn’t say anything immediately afterward. If she’s completely silent after she supposedly had an orgasm, she didn’t have one! She’d say something about the orgasm or the sex in general. She wouldn’t lay there motionless for several minutes while you chit-chat. You can trust me on that.
  7. She gives you a weak smile. Hopefully, you can tell the difference between a genuine smile and a forced one. But maybe you can’t, seeing as you can’t tell the difference between a real and fake orgasm. If her eyes are dead and unalert, the smile is fake. If the smile is fake, she didn’t orgasm—she’s being polite.
  8. She talks about the next time. The second you two are finished, she makes plans for the next rendezvous. Maybe she says, “Next time, we should try [insert kinky position here].” You might think this is a good sign but really, she’s preparing because she wants to make sure next time is better…which means she didn’t orgasm this time.
  9. You can feel her clitoris. If you really want to know if she’s having an orgasm, put your finger down there! If you can feel her clitoris, she’s not having one because when women climax, their clit actually retracts into them. You’re welcome for the health lesson. And before you say you don’t want to put your finger down there, rethink your life because we ladies love it when you touch us there during sex.
  10. She seriously gears up the next time you do it. Did your girlfriend throw more than a few shots back the last time you guys were about to do it? Did she ask to watch porn to get herself in the mood? Did she bring a few toys into the bedroom? Did she beg you to try a new sexual position? Sure, she could just be freaky (good for you, if that’s the case) but she could’ve also been trying her hardest to stimulate herself before your penis came close to her vagina. She knew you weren’t going to be able to give her an orgasm (because you didn’t before), so she had to get herself there prior to you touching her. Ouch.
Jordan White is a writer based in Scottsdale, Arizona with more than 8 years of experience. She graduated from Northern Arizona University with a degree in Rhetoric and Creative Writing in 2015 and while there, she wrote for The Daily Wildcat. She has since written for sites including FanBread, and, of course, Bolde. You can find about more her on Facebook. She has a passion for giving her audience something to laugh about and despises the heat more than anything.