When I look back on the guys I’ve dated in the past, they all had one thing in common: they were all incredibly emotionally distant and afraid of getting close to me. Who knows exactly why I always seem to end up with these types of guys—all I know is that I’m so done with it.
I want to be able to have honest conversations with my partner. I dream of the day when I’m with someone who speaks from the heart and isn’t afraid to tell me about everything and anything that’s going on inside of them. That, to me, is the foundation of any strong relationship. I always seem to end up with guys who just keep to themselves and who pick and choose what they tell me. Maybe they’re afraid of hurting me or maybe they don’t totally trust me. Whatever the reason is, I need to stop chasing them.
Let’s be real—it’s mostly because of my daddy issues. I have an inkling that the reason I chase guys who are emotionally closed off is because my dad was cold and emotionally distant and the rules of daddy issues state that if your dad didn’t give you love and approval, you’re going to keep looking for it elsewhere (in other guys) until that need is fulfilled. That, and the guys you choose are usually going to be pretty similar to your dad who, in my case, was emotionally closed off.
I just want someone who wants to be real with me. I’m through with dating guys who act like they’ve got something to hide from me. I want to feel that strong support and connection you get when you’re mutually in love. I feel like my relationships have always been unbalanced, like I was the one trying to get him to open up and then he ends up resenting me for smothering him. Sigh…
I should be inspired to communicate with him. I want a partner who inspires me to be myself when I’m around him. I’m not super “out there,” either. I like to keep to myself but when I’m in a relationship, I try really hard to be more open and I hope that the next guy I date will find the real me acceptable.
It’s the reason why my relationships never last. People like to say that opposites attract but I don’t think that’s true, at least not for me. I mean, sure, I might be attracted to the emotionally-distant type but it doesn’t mean that it’s the best combination for a healthy, functional relationship. I find that once the novelty of sex wears off and it’s time for us to start talking to each other, it just fizzles out. It’s time for me to stop trying to hang on to these guys who aren’t ready for the kind of deep, meaningful relationship I’m looking for.
I find I’m not free to be myself with guys who are closed off emotionally. Not only does the relationship feel stagnant, I do too. It’s not a good feeling when I reach out to my partner and I end up getting coldness and silence in return. I understand some people are more private than others, but it really does a number on my self-esteem. I tend to think it’s a direct reflection on ME when I don’t get a response from my partner and it really isn’t a healthy way to think.
It’s not enough for him to just say he loves me, I have to feel it too. He might say every now and then that he loves me, but words aren’t enough. I need to feel it and KNOW it in my core and I find guys who are closed off have a really difficult time expressing these kinds of lovey-dovey emotions in any other way besides words.
It sucks the life out of the relationship. Without the ability to be open with each other, the relationship kinda comes to a halt and I can’t always be the one to keep moving it along. I’m not his mentor, I’m in an equal partnership and it can’t always be me trying to get him to open up. It’s exhausting and honestly sucks the life out of the relationship. It makes me resent him for something he’s not even meaning to do. It gets messy and I’d much rather be with someone who can handle all the twists and turns a serious relationship brings.
I’ve never had a real relationship, come to think of it. Relationships should have a mutual feel to them and the best ones are where both people are working as a team. As if they’re on the same side. I never find this to be the case for me. It ALWAYS feels like I’M the one supporting HIM and then I end up giving up because it’s too hard to be constantly trying to convince someone to trust you. I’m so over it.
We always accept the love we think we deserve. I was watching “The Perks Of Being A Wallflower” the other day and there was a quote that the inspirational teacher (played by Paul Rudd) brought up and it was, “We always accept the love we think we deserve.” It got me thinking, maybe I’m ending up with these emotionally-distant guys because that’s the level of love I’m ready for and believe that I’m worthy of. Why is Paul Rudd always right about everything?
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