Recently, I had the worst kiss of my life. Between the pointy tongue and the overflow of saliva, I was shocked at how bad this guy was at it. At one point, he actually licked my eyebrow. My whole chin and jaw were covered in his spit, and in that moment, I couldn’t understand how this had happened. He was cute, he had a good personality, and had lots of friends—where did he go wrong and how the hell did he get away with it for so long? Here’s why I believe there is NO excuse for being a bad kisser in your 20s.
- There are plenty of learning resources. Has this guy ever seen sex online, or, I don’t know, any movie? I’ve never seen a movie where a guy licks a girl’s forehead and she’s into it, have you? There are millions of resources to use if he wanted to brush up on his kissing skills—pick one. I’m sure there are even tutorials on YouTube. He should have done his research. It’s really not that hard.
- If He’s Bad At Kissing, He’s Bad At Everything Else..Sorry not sorry. If he can’t master kissing, I’m forced to believe that he doesn’t know what he’s doing in bed either. That being said, if he’s that bad at kissing, he probably won’t even make it to the bedroom in the first place. Instead, I’ll call an Uber and he’ll never hear from me again.
- Where Are His Friends? If I saw my friend sucking on a guy’s chin while making out, I would pull her aside and have an intervention. I’d have no choice—being a bad kisser is unacceptable. Where the hell are his friends? Granted, I do understand that guys and girls are different and may not talk about techniques, but they’re letting their friend and his sex life down if they don’t.
- Why Are Girls Having Sex With Him? Like I said earlier, he’s not a bad looking kid at all and is rather popular among the ladies. I also know that he’s had many sexual partners but now I’m wondering, how in the hell have girls allowed him to have sex with them? After about five minutes of trying to guide him to be a good kisser while we were making out, I was done. All hope was lost. If my vagina could have climbed inside itself to get away from him, it would have.
- He needs to learn to pick Up On Kissing Cues. If I pull away from him to wipe my mouth, chin, AND nose, his brain should register that something’s wrong. A lot of sex is about reading the other person you’re with. If he can’t pick up on sex cues, he’s not going to get much of it. He should know how to read body language and the way I kiss and then try to match it—not attack my face with his terrible mouth skills.
- His Tongue Belongs In his Mouth, Not In My Eyebrow. Really, when did he decide that was a good “skill”? It was when I felt his tongue lick my T-Zone that I called an Uber. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t enjoy a lot of tongue while kissing. If he wants to go down south and be reckless with his tongue, be my guest. Other than that, he should keep it in his mouth and away from my eyebrows.
- He Can’t Blame It On Being Drunk. I’m not gonna lie—this incident happened after a good amount of alcohol was imbibed, as most do. Still, that has no control over his kissing game. When I’m hammered, my jaw doesn’t unhinge from my face and I don’t lose control over my mouth or tongue and forget where his mouth is located. Drunk or sober, a bad kisser is still a bad kisser.
- He’s Had Experience and should have gotten it right by now. In this dude’s case, he has had plenty of experience. Kissing is a prerequisite in adult romantic life—you cannot go around licking peoples faces and leaving a slime trail like a snail. The shape or size of your lips doesn’t effect the simple motion of kissing. I didn’t think that there would be bad kissers in my twenties. As a 14-year-old, I understand being inadequate at kissing because of the lack of experience but at 22 and after many sexual partners, there’s just really no excuse.