If you grew up in a family environment that wasn’t very loving, you probably had an unhappy childhood that was lonely and isolated. No matter how many years have passed or how much work you’ve done in therapy to process that trauma, it’s possible that all that time you spent feeling unloved is still affecting you today, leading you to develop these less than healthy habits.
1. Negative self-talk
Your parents might have infused your brain with tons of negativity when you were growing up. Maybe they were always putting you down, criticizing your efforts, or belittling your accomplishments. It became such a pattern that now you’re continuing their bad work by speaking to yourself in a cruel way. You deserve so much better.
2. Trust issues
It’s only natural that if your parents never made you feel like you could trust their love, you grew up expecting other people to be just as inconsistent with you. Even when things seem to be going well, you’re constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop and for them to disappoint or neglect you. This can cause you to be highly skeptical of people you date or are friends with because you doubt their feelings for you.
3. Clinginess
You might be someone who struggles with boundaries in relationships. Maybe because you went without love for so long, when you experience even the slightest bit of it as an adult, you cling on for dear life. This can manifest as wanting to text your partner numerous times per day or hang out 24/7. You know they need space but you find it very hard to give it to them.
4. Fear of abandonment
If your parents weren’t always around for you and didn’t meet your needs for love and safety, you could fear that everyone you meet in your life is going to abandon you and leave you behind when they inevitably get tired of you. This can make you feel unworthy of love. After all, if you deserved commitment, why didn’t your parents dedicate themselves to you when you were younger?
5. Being a doormat
Not getting the love you needed from your parents could make work super hard to earn other people’s approval in your later years. For instance, maybe you say “yes” to all their requests even if they’re inconvenient for you. Or, you go the extra mile, giving all your time and energy to others to show them you’re worthy of love. You weren’t loved for who you were, so you’ve learned the habit of trying to make others love you.
6. Staying in toxic relationships
It can be difficult to walk away from unhealthy relationships if you grew up in a dysfunctional family. You might struggle to have the confidence to end things, perhaps because your parents were quite controlling of you or because you’re desperate for approval. You don’t want to leave them behind because part of you feels you have a duty to stay.
7. Low self-esteem
You probably don’t have a firm grasp on your self-worth due to growing up feeling unloved. You’re critical of yourself, blame yourself for everything, and think you don’t deserve to have healthy, satisfying relationships. You weren’t given the love you needed to bloom into a self-confident person, and that’s a shame — you’re amazing!
8. Self-isolation
Strong feelings of unworthiness and a lack of confidence can cause you to retreat into your safe sanctuary. For instance, you might want to spend more time alone than with other people because the fear of rejection is too strong. It’s easier to be alone — which may be all you think you deserve — than to open yourself up to more potential pain.
9. Struggling with boundaries
Parents who made you feel unloved taught you that you couldn’t set healthy boundaries for yourself. They might have been super controlling, for example, which violated your need for independence. Because you’ve never had someone who truly respected your needs, desires, and deal breakers, you’ve stopped expressing them altogether.
10. Fear of failure
All that negative self-talk and lack of self-esteem can make you have an intense fear of failure. You don’t think you deserve success, so you struggle to go for what you want out of life. It’s like the feeling of not being good enough that you learned from your childhood is always shadowing you.
11. Extreme sensitivity
Being unloved can make you feel triggered by even the slightest thing. So, when a friend criticizes you, you might experience extreme mood swings or not be able to handle the feedback. You don’t know how to deal with it in a healthy way because you’re so used to being attacked.
12. Depression
It’s common for an unloving childhood to make you feel down or depressed. Striving for your parents’ love and not getting it can cause you to feel a huge sense of loss and sadness, which can contribute to depression. Other mental health issues like anxiety can also be hanging around.
13. Taking on other people’s emotions
As a child, you might’ve tried to become more aware of your parents’ emotions as a way to avoid conflict or earn their love. You might do this in your adult relationships, and since you don’t have any boundaries with people, you find yourself becoming overwhelmed by other people’s feelings.
14. Pushing yourself to be successful
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You might feel that you have to work hard and succeed in your career to be seen as worthy, so you push yourself and have strong ambition. This could cause you to risk burnout while trying to get other people’s approval and achieve as much as possible. It’s okay to take a deep breath and cut yourself some slack, you know.
15. Difficulty understanding emotions
If you felt unloved as a kid, your emotions weren’t acknowledged or respected. This taught you to hide your real feelings, so you might not know how to understand what you’re feeling or you struggle to express them to others. Taking time to become more self-aware can help you improve your communication.
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