I’ve experienced enough heartbreak in my life to know that I’ll always survive through the fallout, but this last one has been more devastating than any that came before. I thought I was going to spend my life with this guy, but as quickly as we painted what we thought was our happily ever after, it all fell apart. I still haven’t recovered but I’m determined to stay strong.
I’m staying close to my support system. Good friends are always there for you no matter how much of a blubbering mess you might be. I’m surrounding myself with the people who care about me even on the days when I feel like I just want to be miserable and alone because those are actually the days I actually need someone the most.
I’m reminding myself of the reasons we fell apart. It’s easy to look back at a relationship and focus on the good times, which only makes the reality that you’re no longer together all the more unbearable. I’m not doing that this time. Yes, I had some wonderful times with him and times where I was blissfully happy and in love, but I also can’t forget about all the days we fought, the ways he cut me down and messed with my head with his need for control. I can’t forget about the months leading up to our breakup in which I was miserable more than I was happy. If I fall into the trap of only favoring the fond memories, I’ll never get over him and I’ll never move on with my life.
I’m not blaming myself, I’m accepting the facts. Breakups are rarely one person’s fault and I’m owning up to my part in things and accepting that sometimes two people just aren’t meant to be. Sure, at times I feel like I failed by not making it down the aisle with the guy I thought was the absolute love of my life, but dwelling on what didn’t come to pass isn’t going to help my situation at all. I thought we were meant for each other but it turns out we’re not. It’s as simple as that.
I’m allowing myself time to heal and grieve. Everyone has said how amazingly strong I’ve been getting through this difficult chapter of my life, but the truth is that I’m strong because I’m allowing myself to break down and truly process the weight of all the different things I’m feeling. I won’t sugarcoat it, it’s heavy at times, but I’m being patient with myself and giving myself the time and space I need to get over it. Grieving this loss reminds me that I’m human and that I truly did care about the love I shared with him. It reminds me that I’m still a beautiful person on the inside even if I’m a bit bitter about love at the moment.
I’m keeping busy in every way possible. Whether I’m doing yoga, journaling, trying out a new recipe, calling a girlfriend to chat for hours on the phone, or binge-watching something on Netflix, I’m keeping my mind focused and engaged in other things. As much as I’m allowing myself to grieve, I’m also looking for ways to stay positive so I don’t get sucked into the wormhole of depression. I need to be strong for myself because the alternative won’t get me to where the universe wants me to go.
I’m soaking in the lessons I learned from him. Even though I’m sad that it didn’t work out, I truly learned a lot about myself and a lot about the kind of love that matters to me. Isn’t that what failed relationships are good for? They’re never entirely a loss if you take the time to soak in the wisdom they leave behind. I sacrificed who I was for him. I abandoned my sense of self to make him happy in every way that I could and when that didn’t work, I was left feeling empty and that’s on me. The strength I have now as I’m getting over him is simply my true self waking the hell up from submission.
I’m counting my blessings because I truly did dodge a bullet. He wasn’t right for me in so many ways, but when you’re deep in the thick of a relationship, love is blind. Looking back, I realize I wasn’t his soulmate and he wasn’t mine—I was simply a missing piece to his life equation that he felt he needed to complete. Perhaps I went along with it because I felt the same way or maybe I really was so deeply in love and had the blinders on heavy. Either way, I know that our relationship was truly poisonous and I’m glad I didn’t sign a marriage certificate before I figured that out.
I’m getting back to myself slowly but surely. It takes time and I’m not strong every day, but week by week and little by little, my strength outweighs my weak moments. Breakups are never easy and even though this one has been an insanely difficult journey, I know there’s an ending to the heartache and that eventually I’ll feel whole again.
I’m remaining hopeful for my future because I know life isn’t over without him. As much as sometimes our ending feels like the be all, end all of heartbreaks, I know that it isn’t. The ending of anything is the beginning of something greater so as hard as it is sometimes to admit that my happy ending went up in flames, I’m getting through it. My story isn’t over yet and my strength depends on the ending I’m meant to write for myself.
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