I was just living life, minding my business, perfectly happy as a single woman. My relationship status didn’t define me—in fact, I enjoyed rolling solo. Then, like a damn lightning bolt, someone amazing dropped into my life, which would’ve been great if it had actually worked out…
I didn’t see it coming. I had no intention of falling for anyone and the idea of meeting someone wasn’t on my radar at the time. They say love comes when you least expect it and I’d probably say that was true if it actually ended up being love instead of just disappointment.
I was in a really good place mentally until this happened. I was goal-focused and career-oriented. I’d dismissed dating apps as a waste of my valuable time and zoned in on what I needed to do for myself, and I was amazingly happy to be there. If I could go back to that, I would.
I thought there was a chance for us but I was wrong. The worst part wasn’t that I met him, liked him, and struck up a friendship with him. It was that he gave me the impression there was a chance at romance only to dash my hopes right after. Who does that??
I let myself become open and vulnerable and got stung. It’s tough to keep letting people in even after rejection but I decided to try once more. This guy made me feel supremely comfortable in his presence. Something clicked between us naturally and I thought maybe this time would be different. It wasn’t, of course. I ended up hurt like always.
I got excited to actually connect with someone. It had been forever since I felt that spark, and there it was appearing out of nowhere. I was exhilarated and while I tried to proceed slowly and with caution, he awakened feelings in me I had forgotten. When he chose someone else, I felt stupid as hell.
I thought it was different but it was the same old crap. It’s tough to realize all over again that my heart plays tricks on me. We immediately hit it off and everything was so natural between us that I was sure he could be my person. As soon as I thought that, everything unraveled.
I was mature about the outcome but it made me sad. When he made the decision to date someone else, we had an adult conversation and I handled it well. I wasn’t magically OK about the whole thing, of course. As the reality of the situation sunk in, my heart was broken and I got depressed. I feel stupid to admit that something that had barely gotten started before it ended made me so upset but it did. I feel like I’m never going to find the right guy and even if I think I have, he’ll pass me over too. I know my worth but does anyone else?
I tried to be cool about it but I’m not. What choice did I have? He was honest and upfront. I want to keep him in my life as a friend. I wasn’t going to freak out. After all, it’s not his fault I fell so hard so fast. It’s a problem I have that I don’t know how to fix. I just want to go back to the way I was before I knew him.
I tried over and over again to distance myself but never followed through. I’ve told myself at least once a week that I’m not going to talk to him anymore but I always give in. If I do manage to stay strong, he reaches out to me eventually. It’s like a nightmare that I embrace.
I thought the feelings would wane over time but they haven’t. I only really knew the guy for a few days, albeit in a very intimate situation. I haven’t seen him in months and we don’t talk as much as we did but in spite of all that, I still feel pretty strongly towards him. I tell myself that logically, the whole thing makes no sense. We don’t live in the same city. We hardly know each other. It would be near impossible to make it work. I know all this – but I somehow can’t let him go.
I desperately want someone else to come along and make me forget him. I can’t go back to the happy, carefree single girl I was before I knew he existed. Now I’m sitting around hoping for a different man to come into my life, sweep me off my feet, and steal my heart.
I wish I could change the way I feel but I can’t. If I could force myself to see him as a friend, I would do so in a second. I’ve tried, and some days I almost succeed. I convince myself I’m fine only to wake up the next day yearning for him in my life. I’m not sure why but that’s the way it is and I want my old happiness back.
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