It’s Hard To Find A Good Man And Even Harder To Find A Good Woman If You’re A Lesbian

I’m queer but I’ve dated enough men over the years to know how hard it is to find a good one. Single women complain about this to the point that it’s a bit of a cliche, but decent dudes really are few and far between. That being said, I still think it’s even harder to find a good woman—trust me, I’ve tried.

  1. It’s harder to approach women. Sure, straight guys probably feel our pain on this one, but while approaching a woman you’re interested in is tough for anyone, it’s especially so for lesbians since most of the time we have no idea if the woman we’re approaching is actually queer. Women are exponentially more guarded than guys in my experience, and the struggle is so real for lesbians because of it.
  2. Expectations and standards in lesbian relationships are often way too high. There are plenty of unflattering and untrue ideas floating around about lesbian relationships, but one of the falsest and most damaging is the idea that because it’s between two women, the relationship will be totally seamless and full of unconditional love and understanding. While I obviously try to be a good partner to whoever I’m dating, I’m also a human being who makes mistakes and has plenty of my own issues, ideas, and biases. It’s hard to live up to the unrealistic expectations in a lot of same-sex relationships.
  3. Newsflash: women cheat too. This is one of the reasons I hate when straight women go on about how being a lesbian would be so much easier. Uh, no it’s not. Just because it’s two women together doesn’t mean there’s no BS going on behind the scenes. Women cheat on and betray each other too—it’s not just a guy thing.
  4. Depending on the scene you’re in, commitment can be hard to come by. The stereotype that lesbian women show up to the first date in a U-Haul is laughably false, in my experience. Younger bisexual and lesbian women want to play the field just as much as straight dudes of the same age, so finding someone who wants a stable, committed relationship is just as tough as it is for straight folks. We just have the added burden of a smaller dating pool.
  5. A lot of women are just experimenting with their sexuality. This is not to say that bisexual women don’t exist and shouldn’t be taken seriously because they do and should. Still, a lot of bi-curious women think it’d be fun or edgy to date a woman and those of us who are legitimately queer end up getting our hearts broken when they inevitably dump us to go back to guys. It happens time and time again and it’s infuriating. Bisexual and lesbian women aren’t accessories that straight women can try on for size and then discard, but we’re often treated that way.
  6. We’re constantly compared to former male partners. Unless we’re dating women who have only dated other women in the past, there’s always the inevitable comparison between our relationship and their past ones with men. This is natural and happens with couples of all sexualities, but being compared to dudes and feeling like we have to measure up to them in some way is pretty stressful and disheartening.
  7. Our straight friends and family constantly want to hook us up with randos. Sure, they mean well, but having people who want to set us up with their cousin’s best friend’s uncle’s twin sister because she also just so happens to be gay is offensive and obnoxious. Just because I like women doesn’t mean I’ll take any old one thrown my way. I do have standards, people.
Part-poet, part-writer, and full-blooded human megaphone of the oppressed, Tammy focuses on covering heavy topics. To keep herself sane, she also writes about pop culture, life, and anything gay. She gets by with the smell of typewriter and sound of tattoo machines.