Everyone says you’re supposed to be with the person who makes you better; that relationships are meant to help you grow and become the best version of yourself. For me, the opposite is true. I hate who I am with my boyfriend and that’s why I’m choosing to leave.
- I used to be carefree. I was always the one laughing, smiling, and enjoying life to the fullest. I was the life of the party, so confident in my own skin and always looking for my next challenge, but he stole the fire inside me. He made me second guess everything and everyone, even myself. His darkness was contagious and it made me anxious and withdrawn. Now, I’m taking back my light.
- I’m hyper-critical of everyone around me. He’s so demanding in his expectations that I now find myself acting the same way towards others. No one is trying hard enough, everyone is letting me down, and nothing is up to my standards. I’m judgmental, angry, and distant, all because of him. Perhaps when he’s gone, I’ll be able to breathe again.
- I hold myself to impossible standards. I was always an overachiever but around him, I’m ruthless. Even if he isn’t pointing out a flaw, I notice it and I beat myself down. I miss the girl who used to dust herself off and try again, but she’s long gone. I hope I’ll find her again.
- My fuse is incredibly short. His threshold for annoyance is unusually low and I’ve inherited it. The smallest things piss me off, the lightest argument gets blown out of proportion, and my filter for not blurting out inappropriate things seems to have disappeared. Who is this confrontational person? I can’t stand her and I can’t wait for her to GTFO.
- Negativity is overpowering in every situation. The glass-half-full days are gone, replaced by his attitude of thinking that the world is out to get me. Thinking about the future is stressful, I’m convinced everything in my life will come crashing down, and the problem-solving skills that used to come so naturally to me are nowhere to be found. From now on, I’ll try to see the silver lining.
- I refuse to step out of my comfort zone. Being cautious is one thing but around him, I’m flat out incapable of taking chances or risks. I’m scared to stand by my decisions, I’m unsure of who I can trust and anything other than safe feels impossible. This won’t be easy, but being brave enough to walk away will bring the freedom I’ve been craving for so long.
- He keeps me confined within his bubble at all times. I was so contained to the boundaries and rules he set for me that I didn’t realize how submissive I’d become. Now, it feels too late and that’s terrifying. Will there be a time when I remember what it feels like to be my own person? To march to the beat of something other than his drum? I’m ready to find out.
- My friends and family don’t recognize me. I remember the first time someone told me that I’m a different person with him. It felt like a betrayal; like they were unfairly judging us because they couldn’t possibly understand the relationship we had. Turns out, they’re right, and now I’ve made my choice.
- I don’t know my own reflection. Worse than those around me commenting on how they’ve lost me, when I look in the mirror, I’m just as shocked. Who’s the timid girl staring back? Where is the confident, carefree and spunky person I worked so hard to become? Who is this stranger in her place? I’m ready to be reintroduced to the old me.
- The future is overwhelming. I used to look forward to the future, to the unknown of who I’d be, where I’d end up, and what I’d accomplish. It felt like a journey I couldn’t wait to tackle. An adventure I knew was waiting for me. With him, the future terrifies me so I’m re-writing my happy ending.
- What used to bring excitement doesn’t anymore. The things that lit my fire have long since disappeared, only to be replaced by his nagging, his demands, and his rigidity. I dread time off or time to myself. I need to keep busy at all times to distract myself from the reality that I’ve misplaced my passions. I’m itching to get them back when he’s not holding on so tight anymore.
- I’m unhappy. Perhaps even worse than hating who I am with him is the realization that I’m truly unhappy; that each day, I have to convince myself I am worthy, that he is what I want, and that I can handle another moment feeling this way. I want to believe I’m getting stronger but it’s hard to know what’s desperation and what’s resilience. Maybe soon I’ll know the difference.
- There has to be something more. I have to believe someday, somehow, I’ll get back to the person I used to be. I’ll find the part of me that I’ve lost and whether it includes him or not, my life will have meaning again. I’m not sure exactly when or how the peace will come, but I’ll try to be patient. All I know is that I have the strength to walk away.
