I have been single for close to a year now and it’s been an interesting and life-changing experience. I skipped out on sex for awhile, traveled to exotic countries, spent time with my friends and family, had flings with hot Europeans — pretty crazy stuff. It doesn’t look like I’ll be coupled up anytime soon, so if I have to spend yet another day being single, I guess I’ll be forced to do this stuff too:
- Go to dinner by myself. Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to go to dinner alone? Just kidding — it’s awesome. You have no one there to bug you about tasting what you ordered or someone with whom you have to share the bottle of wine. What could be better?
- Skip my Brazilian wax. Well, if no one has their face or genitals in there, why bother? Hear me, world? I’m going to skip my Brazilian wax and become a walking fur pie where maintenance is the furthest from my brain! What do you think of that?!
- Make a five-year plan for me. That’s right, for me and me alone. And you know what else? I might just invest in some real estate. Yeah, that’s right — I’m going to buy something and own it like a goddamn adult, and I’ll paint my living room bright blue if I feel like it.
- Sleep with the next hot guy I see. Sure, I might be a fur pie to the gills, but does it really matter for a one-night stand? No! I might even fake fall asleep after he goes down on me, so I can get out of giving him oral. So there.
- Show up to work five minutes late. Why? Because being single has pushed me to it! And when my editor dares to question why I think showing up to work five minutes late is appropriate behavior, I’ll tell her exactly what I think: I’ve been single for almost a year and everything is the WORST (aka the best!) so take pity on me!
- Follow my goddamn dreams. You know what? I might even quit that job. I might actually get my act together and follow my dreams. How about that? I may have 50 dreams at the moment, but I’ll narrow it down to a dozen and start working on them TONIGHT. Go ahead, try to stop me. I dare you.
- Spend lots (and lots) of time with my friends. The “pain” of being single is driving me to drink! So to deal with it — I’m going to go out with my friends and we’re going to get good and drunk. Then after that, we’re going to drink more and dance until the sun comes up. I might even let some stranger touch my boob and give him a fake number.
- Get a hobby or two. Woe is me — I have sooo much time on my hands, I can’t even stand it! I guess I’ll just have to improve myself by taking an art class or learning another language or volunteering at an animal shelter. I’ll take cute furry things over guys any day.
- Eat the whole damn pizza. Excuse me while I push away these tears over the fact that I don’t have to fight with anyone over the last slice of pizza and that I don’t have to compromise and watch what my partner wants to watch. It’s just so”horrible” and “depressing.” Do you have any idea how devastating it is to consume an entire pepperoni pizza while watching Breaking Bad for the 100th time because I have no one to stop me? Ah! The horror of it all!
- Masturbate for the next four hours. OMG, I have no one to have sex with on a regular basis! All I have is this drawer full of vibrators and dildos that guarantee the greatest orgasms of my life. Why is this happening to me? Why am I being forced to masturbate and have multiple orgasms all afternoon? WHY ME?!
- Spoil myself rotten. I have no one to take me out, buy me things and tell me I’m amazing and beautiful and witty as hell, so I guess I have to do it myself. I have to buy my own flowers and look in the mirror several times a day to reassure myself of my awesomeness because I have no one else to do it and I’m so awesome it has to be repeated over and over, all day long. Sounds good to me!
- Get the hell out of town. It’s getting to the point where everyone, and I mean everyone, knows me as that single girl who goes to dinner alone and drinks the whole bottle of wine solo. I have no choice. I HAVE to leave. So I’m going on a safari in South Africa. Because I’ve been forced to by this society, man. FORCED. Ain’t life grand?
- Live my life for me. Was I serial killer Countess Elizabeth Báthory in my past life? Is that why I’m being punished like this in this life? Why else am I being forced to do all these amazing things? I mean, who wants to live their life on their own terms and for them and them alone? I don’t understand it! Someone send help because I can’t live like this anymore! Kidding, of course.
