He Told Me I Was “The One” But Refused To Commit

He took me to a romantic dinner and told me that he thought I was “The One.” Cue violins and confetti. I was so excited… for about five seconds, because then he said, “That really terrifies me. I’m afraid of what that means.” Um, what?

  1. I had mixed feelings but thought everything would work out in the end. I wasn’t sure if I should be happy or not. I mean, he was telling me that he thought I was his soulmate but then he was saying that he was afraid. Still, I held onto hope. Instead of telling him to get out, I told myself that I would wait for him to deal with his fear. All I could hear were the words “The One.” I thought there was no way I could turn away from this guy who’d basically told me that I was his soulmate. He could deal with his fear and everything would be fine, right?
  2. He didn’t want to fix himself. It made sense to think that he would just have to deal with whatever commitment issues he was carrying around, but in real life, things aren’t always that clear and easy—especially if the person doesn’t want to fix themselves.
  3. He was manipulating me, I just didn’t see it at the time. By giving me mixed messages, he achieved two things. First, he got me where he wanted me because he knew I was flattered to be called “The One.” He got me to hang around, which was convenient for him. Second, he planted the seed that he was afraid to commit so that whenever I confronted him about why he wasn’t taking our relationship to a greater level of emotional intimacy, he could say, “But I told you I’m afraid!” What a manipulator!
  4. Fear is BS. I’m sorry, but when a guy says he’s afraid of the idea of soulmates or commitment, I now roll my eyes and tell him not to let the door hit him on the way out. I think that fear is actually just a way for guys like that to gain sympathy when what they’re really feeling isn’t fear, it’s a lack of real feeling. I wish I’d seen that with this guy because he was wasting my time.
  5. I tried to love him harder. He wasn’t really doing much to deal with his so-called fear but I thought I could drive out his fear by loving him more. I was vying for the Most Amazing, Attentive And Supportive Girlfriend Of The Year but I didn’t win. I just got really exhausted and kind of depressed and became Doormat Of The Year.
  6. I was clinging on for dear life. I didn’t want to lose my supposed soulmate so I fought hard to keep that relationship going. I was like a person trying to paddle a canoe on their own in violent waters. He wasn’t helping me out at all—I was a one-woman show. I don’t know why I was killing myself so much. If he really was “The One,” he wouldn’t have let me jump through so many hoops. He wasn’t even a proper boyfriend, never mind my soulmate.
  7. I wasn’t even the one with the issues. I wasn’t battling to commit but he was. I was ready to jump onto the next level in our relationship but he was the one stalling. Still, I was doing all the work to keep things going and to be the pillar of emotional support? What kinda BS is that?
  8. Destiny, could I have a refund? I didn’t want this person as my soulmate. Even if it so happened that he was the person I was supposed to be with, as time went on I realized that I still had the power. I could tell destiny or fate to eff off. This was not the type of person I wanted as my forever person, no matter how much he thought we were meant to be together.
  9. Soulmates require work. Just because soulmates have a magical connection to them, it doesn’t mean that their relationships don’t require work. All relationships need effort from both parties to stay strong. This guy thought he could throw the “soulmate” card around and I’d be at his beck and call, and sadly it worked for a while. It made me think that we had something greater going for us but he was never going to man up and commit.
  10. He was actually afraid to end up with me. When I think back to that time in my life, I see a man afraid to commit but I also see something much more hurtful. I see a man who was terrified of me being his soulmate. It was like a future with me was what he was dreading. He was a total a-hole but I’m smart enough to know that it was his loss.
Giulia Simolo is a writer from Johannesburg, South Africa with a degree in English Language and Literature. She has been working as a journalist for more than a decade, writing for sites including AskMen, Native Interiors, and Live Eco. You can find out more about her on Facebook and LinkedIn, or follow her on Twitter @GiuliaSimolo.