We went on a hiking first date, which was out of my comfort zone but fun. Then, five minutes after our date, he dropped that all-important post-first date text and it ruined everything.
He said he wanted to see me again. Texting after a first date is crucial to make it clear that you’re interested in seeing the person again. I was glad he’d had a good time with me and that he wanted to continue to get to know each other, so I started typing a message back to him. Then I saw he was still typing me something…
He text-puked all over me. The guy didn’t hold back. He wrote that it was clear he wanted to be in a relationship with me and he said we would be exclusive. Um, what? Then he added that he was going to cancel his dating app subscription because he’d found me. “I know 100% that I don’t want to meet anyone else,” he said.
Was I supposed to be flattered? On the one hand, it was refreshing to deal with a guy who was so clear about his intentions and wants. He was a really sweet, honest guy and I liked those qualities about him. On the other hand, he was racing ahead a bit too quickly. He needed to stop and take a breath. It was just too much.
I told him what I thought. I reckoned it would be good to match his honesty with mine instead of giving him some lame brush-off like “I think we’d be better as friends.” So, I told him that he was going way too fast. We’d just met and he was defining the relationship, making things exclusive, telling me he wanted to be with me, and making things official in one text!
He was genuinely confused. “I thought women wanted guys who were honest and open about their feelings right from the start?” he asked. OK, yeah, but it’s important to find some balance, dude. He added that he found my reaction quite complicated and a little insulting. Um…what?
There’s being honest and then there’s being over the top. Too much of a good thing can easily turn bad. That’s the case with anything, even feelings and honesty in the dating game. Even if the guy’s amazing and has only good intentions, you can’t help but feel that there’s something “off” about him if he’s coming on too strongly. For example, he might be desperate and clingy or he might have a hidden agenda. He might be using all that “honesty” to manipulate the woman he’s dating and I’m not here for that.
It’s all about balance. There’s no need to rush into a relationship so quickly. There’s also no need to declare how you feel about someone right off the bat. It’s like walking into a party and meeting a stranger. Would you tell them you’re nuts about them so soon? No, because it won’t make a good impression (and because you don’t actually know them). Instead, you should be taking your time and really getting a feel for the other person. If it’s meant to be, it’ll be.
He accused me of playing games. When the guy and I discussed all these topics, he said that it sounded like I was into dating games. He said it was better to be honest and upfront and it didn’t matter if people didn’t like it. True, but even if you’re driving a Lamborghini, you don’t have to hit speeds over 100 to prove how amazing it is. You can let the car’s beauty show instead. In the same way, when you meet someone on a date, you don’t have to tell them exactly how you feel. It’s more exciting to let them discover it. That doesn’t mean that you’re playing a dating game or hiding your feelings. It just means that you’re letting things happen a bit more slowly and deliciously.
It was clear we were on different pages. We’d clashed on this important topic and his whole approach just put me off, not just when it came to him being super honest and rushing into a relationship but also when it came to how he thought I was playing games. I also don’t like it when a guy thinks that just because he wants to be in a relationship, the woman he’s declaring his interest in must surely want the same thing. Whatever. If he paid more attention to his date and letting things progress in a slightly more natural way instead of jumping in with what he wanted, then maybe his dates would be more successful. Just saying.
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