He Wanted To Be With Me But Refused To Date Me Properly—What Gives?

It was a hopeless romantic‘s dream come true: I revealed my feelings to my longtime crush and he seemed to reciprocate. He told me I was the type of woman he could see himself settling down with… in 15 years or so. He clearly liked me a lot—just not enough to have a real relationship with me. WTF?

1. He wasn’t going to have his cake and eat it too. This may sound obvious but it’s impossible for you to fast forward to the metaphorical finish line in a relationship! Relationships take work, and if you’re looking to be in a serious relationship, you dedicate years of work to make your relationship function, because newsflash, people change! Did he expect me to sit around and be his friend (or worse, his friend with benefits) and then upgrade to another relationship level whenever he’s ready?
2. I think he just saw me as a friend and was a little confused. His number one reasoning for the hypothetical success we’d have in a romantic relationship is that we get along really well. Yes, we have mutual interests and things in common, but that’s because we’ve been friends for years! We could have a stellar platonic relationship for the rest of our lives if we kept things friendly right now—and we wouldn’t have to wait a few decades!
3. He hated texting me all the time. About a month after the initial magical weekend we spent together, my guy told me I was “holding him back,” but not for the reasons you’d think! His number one reason I didn’t qualify for his dream girl was that we communicated on a daily basis! I never thought our texting was excessive or even all that serious, he just didn’t dig hitting the “send” button very much. Uh, how can you be in a relationship with someone without speaking to them at least once on a daily basis?
4. He was uncomfortable with my extroverted personality. I don’t think of myself as being an extrovert at all, but according to my dude, I was basically the belle of every ball. My guy looked visibly uncomfortable whenever I’d make short and polite conversation with strangers we’d encounter during our time together. The side-eye he gave me when I got into a conversation with a server over breakfast is forever burned into my brain! Dear future boyfriends, if you’re not down with politely simple small talk, you’re probably not going to enjoy my daily conversations with my cats.
5. He kept asking about my ex. When I was trying to appear as appealing as possible, my guy’s go-to conversation topic was fixed on my relationship with my ex. We were in an extremely serious relationship with the intention of being together forever, and this guy couldn’t understand why I’d want that level of commitment in my twenties. It’s perfectly fine to have different relationship goals, but good lord! I shouldn’t have to explain my past to anyone! Needless to say, my flame for the moment burned out right then and there.
6. He made sure I knew marriage wasn’t in the cards. Since I’d innocently let him know about my intention to marry my ex (at his prompting, I should remind you), this scared my new guy to death. He immediately let me know he didn’t believe in marriage and admonished me for ever having the desire to settle down with someone, anyone someday. I would’ve shaken the conversation off if he hadn’t repeatedly decided to keep referencing it hours afterward, and even once the next day! Never mind the fact that he’d previously told me he could see himself settling down with me one day not hours before…
7. He made me feel bad for getting our signals crossed. After realizing that it wouldn’t be a good idea to start dating because of the distance between us, we continued to “talk” for a month afterward as if we were headed towards a relationship. When he finally decided to break it off, he spoke to me as if I’d decided to ignore his wish not to be in a relationship. I was shocked at this and said so, which made him backtrack and insist that he didn’t mean what he had just said. This dude completely led me on!
8. He kept texting me after the “breakup.” Keeping up with his “15-year itch” theme, my dude texted me again only a few days after we decided to call it quits. He wanted to forget everything we’d been through and make sure we could still talk about our biggest commonality, music. WTF? Was there literally no one else he could talk to about the obscure bands he liked, especially after all the drama we’d been through? Eventually I just had to cut him off and move on—I don’t have time to waste.