If He Won’t Define The Relationship, He Shouldn’t Get To Have One With You

So many of my friends are in the same crappy situation: they want a boyfriend and are willing to deal with guys who won’t completely commit for the sake of not being alone. Unsurprisingly, these situations never work out. They always end up investing too much, knowing what the outcome will be but hoping they’ll be the exception, and wind up hurt. If you often find yourself in the same boat, here’s why it’s time to raise your relationship standards.

  1. The most important parts of you aren’t being cherished and respected. When you’re with someone who isn’t obligated to stay with you, there’s always a risk. The closer you two get, the more you’re going to want to share with them. However, the other person still doesn’t care enough to make it official, so you could be (and probably will be) trusting your secrets to someone who will walk away with them, or at least won’t treat them with the respect they (and you) deserve.
  2. The other person could be talking to whoever they want—and they probably are. The worst part of that is that you really have no control over this. They could be just as serious with three other women, but you have to be okay with it. More than that, you might never even know it’s going on because they have no reason to tell you.
  3. It’s going to cause a lot of unnecessary fights. I’ve seen so many fights stem from the uncertainty of not defining the relationship. Most of them come from what I mentioned above: the guy you’re going after is also chasing after other women. Think about it: those fights wouldn’t even be happening if you two were in a relationship where you knew you were exclusive.
  4. It’ll make you think you aren’t worth the commitment. This one is sad but way too true. So many of my friends think they have to let men treat them this way in order to have any type of relationship at all. Asking for an exclusive relationship has become too great of a risk, and something many of them feel stupid even asking for at all. They’ve convinced themselves it’s something they can live without and don’t deserve. Guess what? That just isn’t true!
  5. You can’t ask for any of their time because they won’t owe you anything. You also can’t ask literally anything of them. At first, not defining the relationship may sound fine, but then problems like these arise. You’ll find yourself asking more of them while they find themselves they don’t have to give you any of it. And they’re right—they don’t.
  6. You’re helping to perpetuate the current hookup culture that’s going downhill, fast. We can’t throw all of the blame on the other party, of course. Aside from the fact that maybe you’re the one taking advantage of not defining the relationship, there’s another problem. By letting your S.O. call this relationship whatever they want to, you’re not helping what the dating culture has become. In fact, you’re aiding in ruining it. You’re letting people know that it’s okay to do this, even when it’s not.
  7. You’ll always do way more than you should to please them so that they don’t walk away—and they’ll let you. I’ve also seen way too many of my friends go through this. They do anything and everything that their guy asks of them so that he doesn’t leave. It’s like they’re being toyed with and as soon as the other party gets bored, they’re out. It doesn’t matter how much work was put into it all. In reality, you don’t have to be perfect in a relationship and shouldn’t be expected to be. It’s a dangerous state of mind to hold.
  8. Straight up, you aren’t with a mature person if they won’t DTR. Let me get one thing clear: if you want a mature person, don’t date one that plays with your heart like this! Mature people know exactly what they want and they’ll go for it. They know what they have and what there is to lose and won’t ever make the mistake of not defining what they have with you. Someone who’s mature will never make you question anything and will always be transparent about their feelings. If they aren’t doing these things, it’s high time you move along. They’ll figure it out eventually and (hopefully) grow up—you just won’t be around to see it.
  9. You’re going to wind up confused, hurt, mad, or all three. When the relationship (or whatever you decided to call it) ends, you’re going to feel dazed. I’m sure you’ll know it was coming, but you were somehow holding onto the hope that it wouldn’t. You hoped that you could change the other person. It’s going to hurt your self-esteem and self-worth for a long time. So, save yourself that heartbreak and if you’re not okay with not defining things, leave. It’s the best thing you can do for yourself, no matter how hard it may seem.
Hi! I'm Amanda, and I'm in the final steps to becoming a Spanish teacher. I'm passionate about traveling, blogging, watching scary movies and taking photos. You can find me either eating chocolate or, currently, watching The Office for hours on end.