There are penguin boyfriends and unicorn boyfriends and Capybara Boyfriends probably and it’s stupid and I don’t understand it. Still, it sounds like fun, so here are some animal boyfriends that I think should exist too.
Are you tired of going over to your boyfriend’s place to find that he has nothing in his fridge? Find yourself a squirrel boyfriend. He has a very twitchy energy that can be charming but sometimes borders on paranoia. Don’t move too quickly in this relationship or he’ll disappear.
He’s so unique! He’s a jock and he’s really into sustainable farming? His many interests and eclectic hobbies might seem exciting, but be wary of the platypus boyfriend—just as the weirdly quirky platypus has a sneaky poisonous toe, the guy equivalent has some toxic history that he’s ready to dump on your and ruin your work holiday party. On the plus side, he lays eggs which will save you a trip to the farmers market. Am I doing this right?
Capybara boyfriend, because why not?
Capybaras are the largest living rodent on earth. Do you like your introverts on the big and cuddly side? Ditch the weasely little nerds who sit at their computers all day and find yourself a capybara boyfriend. He has fluffy blankets on his couch and the best WiFi for streaming Netflix. Capybaras also mark territory by brushing against shrubbery with their anal glands, and… actually, this factoid might not be transferable to a human metaphor. Moving on.
He’s a dime a dozen. He and his bros travel in swarms that swoop into any bar and they don’t all make it back. Some are devoured by open container violations while others fall prey to one-dollar draft night. You can take your pick. No commitment necessary. They probably have a pungent odor and very strong opinions on whales and the Entourage movies.
Look at his furry face. He’s so cute! He’s funny, he has a good job, he’s nice to his parents, he… good lord, what the hell is that?? Just like the muskrat fools you into thinking it’s cute ’til it turns around and shows you its creepy, rubbery rat tail while swimming in the muck of a lake, the muskrat boyfriend will charm you all night then turn around and be rude to the waiter or some other unforgivable act. Also, if he doesn’t constantly chew on wood, his teeth will just continue to grow. It’s a rodent thing.
Yellow-bellied sapsucker boyfriend
It’s a long name for a medium-sized woodpecker from Canada. The YBSS boyfriend introduced himself as Atticus but then you catch a glimpse at his license and see that it’s actually Allen. This dude does a lot to hide the fact that he’s pretty much the most average guy you will ever encounter. He probably boasts about how he “never watches TV” yet he names every Kardashian when complaining about how vapid celebrities are these days.
Golden retriever boyfriend
He might literally be the best boyfriend that could ever exist. He’s kind, he’s gentle, he’s great with kids, he has amazing hair, he’s unbearably handsome, and he’s always bringing things to you. You love him, your parents love him, everyone loves him—and I mean everyone. Pretty soon you’re going to get annoyed at how everyone ignores you when he’s around and you’ll have to fight the urge not to leash him to you because if you leave him alone at the bar to go to the bathroom, he’ll be swamped with adoring women. On the bright side, he’ll boost your Instagram likes by 1,000%.
All it took was one time at a gross, swampy bar—one time not swatting away the gross buzzing bros that swarm these watering holes, one time not using protection, and now you’ve caught something. A little medication and a few days of scratching at the little red bumps he left for you and it’ll be like he was never there. All it takes is one time for you to learn your lesson… ’til next summer when it happens again. At least you’re safe in the winter; sleeveless tees and riding in the bed of a pickup truck don’t favor cool weather.
Who doesn’t like it when a hedgehog video pops up on their Facebook feed? Just look at how their little mouths crunch on carrots and everyone just melts, as will all your friends when they see how cute this new Tinder guy is in his pictures. But what a lot of people might not know about hedgehogs is that they need a lot of time to warm up to you before they are even close to cuddly; until then, it’s all spikes and barbs. Similarly, the hedgehog boyfriend will be a bristly prick for the first several times you meet him. He’s a guy who needs half a year before he so much as cracks a smile and falls into false hibernation with organ failure and respiratory problems if it gets too cold. Or maybe that’s just hedgehogs.
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