Here’s Your Complete Guide To Foreplay With A Woman

What many men don’t understand is that foreplay with a woman is an art. You don’t violently stab at a woman’s vagina with your fingers then pat yourself on the back, thinking you’ve just performed some sort of miracle. It’s really not that easy. So whether you’re a woman with a male partner who needs a heads up or a woman who fingers other women, here’s your complete guide to doing it the right way.

  1. Make sure your nails are short. Although I feel like this should be an obvious part of foreplay with a woman, I realize in the heat of the moment not everyone looks down and examines their fingernail length. But, if you can take a second to quickly look at your nails, you’ll be saving your partner a whole lot of irritation and aggravation. Which brings us to…
  2. Wash your damn hands. Picture it: You’re on the metro, holding onto the pole that thousands and thousands of people touch every single day, then you get to your partner’s place and start going to town on her vagina with those unwashed hands. Are you kidding me? Do you know how much bacteria you just unloaded into her precious vagina? I don’t care if she pounces on you the second you walk through the door; kiss her, then kindly tell her you need a second to “prepare.” The last thing your partner needs is a mystery infection in her vagina thanks to your grubby hands.
  3. Use lube. I firmly believe in all sex-related scenarios lube is one of the most important components. It makes both vaginal and anal intercourse more pleasurable, it makes giving a blowjob easier and receiving it more delicious, and it definitely makes foreplay with a woman a lot more exciting for you both. Wetter is always better.
  4. Take tips from yourself. If you have a vagina and you’re foreplay with a woman, takes some tips from yourself and what you like. While there’s no guarantee she’ll love what you love or will be able to get off with the same techniques you use on yourself, it’s at least someplace to start. Obviously, if it’s not working for her, she’ll tell you. Even if she doesn’t tell you with words, her body language will definitely tell you that you need to try something else. However, you should definitely encourage her to use her words and communicate her desires and needs with you.
  5. Don’t finger-bang. Finger-banging, although a fantastically absurd word, isn’t going to win you a lot of points. It can hurt like hell and also, you’re not 15 anymore so you should know better. (I would hope anyway.) So, instead of ramming your fingers into her cluelessly and aggressively, focus. Find her G-spot, which is on the inside wall of her vagina, and stimulate it with your fingers. G-spots vary in sensitivity, so don’t go completely nuts there either. Instead, ease into it, building in pressure and intensity, with what’s best described as a “come hither” type motion with your finger. You’ll know you’ve found the G-spot because it sort of feels like a slight knot in a fleshy bath. Well, that’s how it feels to me; to you, it might feel like a little bean in a patch of flesh. Either way, you’ll know when you’ve found it based on those random descriptions.
  6. Listen to her. Even if she never says a word, your partner’s moans, breathing, and body movements say so damn much, so listen the eff up! For example, if you’re stimulating her G-spot, and her breathing and moaning start to pick-up, then you know you’re on the right path. So soldier on!
  7. Branch out. What I mean by branching out is taking your fingers out of her vagina and paying some major attention to her clitoris. Or, even better, keeping your index finger inside, continuing to stimulate her G-spot while you also stimulate her clitoris with your thumb. It’s important to always keep in mind when pleasuring a woman that 75 to 80% of women need clitoral stimulation to orgasm, so it’s paramount you don’t ignore this fact by disregarding her clit.
  8. Use both hands. If you’re really going to finger a woman, as in blow her mind sort of foreplay you want to use both your hands. In fact, I’m willing to bet that humans were given two hands specifically so they could stimulate the inside and outside of a vagina with as many fingers as possible at the same time. While the clitoris is the money spot for most women and the G-spot the runner-up, many women also love to have their vulva rubbed or their pubic bone right above their clitoris messaged, so engage those parts too.
  9. Tease her. When it comes to human pleasure, people like variation and surprises. Not only should you be branching out and encompassing so much more than just her vaginal opening, but you should be varying in pressure, rhythm, and technique. Remember, the more you tease, the more satisfying her orgasm will be.
  10. Enjoy it. The vagina is amazing. It’s not just amazing from a reproductive standpoint, but from a pleasure standpoint. Case in point: the clitoris is the ONLY part of the human body that exists solely for pleasure. Seriously. You don’t need a clitoris to procreate, nor does it serve any other purpose except to make a woman orgasm. That in itself is extraordinary. So if you’re fortunate enough to find yourself with your fingers and hands all over a female partner’s vagina, don’t half-ass it. Realize just how fascinating and fun it all is and enjoy the hell out of it. The more you enjoy it, the more your partner will enjoy it too.
Amanda Chatel is a sexual health, mental health, and wellness journalist with more than a decade of experience. Her work has been featured in Shape, Glamour, SELF, Harper's Bazaar, The Atlantic, Forbes, Elle, Mic, Men's Health and Bustle, where she was a lifestyle writer for seven years. In 2019, The League included Amanda in their "15 Inspirational Feminists Every Single Person Should Follow on Twitter" list.

Amanda has a bachelor's degree in English and master's degree in Creative Writing from the University of New Hampshire. She divides her time between NYC, Paris, and Barcelona.

You can follow her on Instagram @la_chatel or on Twitter @angrychatel.