Toxic partnerships suck for everyone involved, but they especially suck when you realize you’re the one to blame for everything that’s wrong with your relationship. That’s what happened to me and I’m still coming to terms with it.
- Every little thing irritated me about my other half. From how he tied his shoes to what he wore to go to the grocery store, every little thing annoyed me about my other half. Sure, it’s common to feel exasperated with your guy at times (it’s impossible to get along all the time), but with my BF, even something tiny and totally random could set me off into a fit of fury. It wasn’t always this way, but the sudden change in attitude made me realize that something just wasn’t right.
- I started arguments about nothing. We started arguing so much more than we ever did before and it was probably in large part due to the fact that I found him so incredibly annoying. It wasn’t always me that kicked off the arguments, but I’d say that it was me 75% of the time. Sometimes it was because he left his shoes in the kitchen when he knew that they belonged in the shoe closet and other times it was because he was 15 minutes late for date night due to traffic. Most of the time, however, the arguments weren’t about anything of significance. We just argued for the sake of arguing.
- My severe unhappiness was overwhelming. I used to ask myself why we were arguing so much and I could never get to the bottom of it. There was something about him which just made my blood boil. It became apparent rather quickly that I was super unhappy in the relationship because all the love that was there before had long gone (along with my patience and tolerance level). Instead, all that was left was deep upset and pure anger. I let this severe unhappiness spill over into everyday life within my relationship.
- I let past relationship issues affect my current relationship. There were insecurities that I had which I carried over from my previous relationship into my toxic one and that was part of the problem. Instead of drawing a line under what had happened to me before and seeing the bad experience as an exception, I assumed that all romantic experiences from now on would also turn out to be devastating. It meant that my toxic relationship was doomed from the start.
- I was jealous for no reason. Part of the reason my previous relationship had broken down was because I was cheated on right before my ex was due to leave to join the army, even though he was telling me how much he loved me in the weeks running up to the incident. It hurt me so much and completely shattered any trust I had when it came to men. This meant that I was relying on my toxic relationship to iron out my kinks, but it was so much pressure so soon that it just didn’t happen. Instead, I got jealous over every little thing, like my boyfriend liking a girl’s photo on Instagram or his ex from a decade ago being a part of his friendship group. I’ll admit I was irrational and unreasonable because I was still trying to get over my insecurities from before. The shattered, broken girl couldn’t put her pieces back together.
- I felt suffocated. For some reason, even though I was being the most toxic out of the two of us, I felt suffocated in the relationship. He was always there and he allowed me to behave in a way I shouldn’t have been behaving. I needed someone to call me out on my BS and help me through my previous relationship issues but it was too much pressure he just didn’t know how to handle, so he left me to it instead. He should have challenged me, but it was apparent that he didn’t have the energy.
- I was acting in a way that generally wasn’t me. I wasn’t a toxic person usually. I wasn’t argumentative or rude—hell, I didn’t even like confrontation. If anyone ever tried to confront me before in my life, it made me feel really uncomfortable. I turned into someone I wasn’t in my relationship, someone I didn’t even like. When my friends and family even started to comment on how I’d changed (and not for the better), I knew that something had to be done.
- I wanted out but didn’t know how to get out. For a long time, I knew something had to change but I didn’t know how to change it. I knew that we weren’t working, so I originally tried to fix it by spending less time with my boyfriend. In fact, we even tried the whole “on a break” thing for a while. I wanted to make sure that I gave it my everything before I agreed to admit defeat. After all, I was terrified of making a mistake. At the time, I didn’t realize how toxic I was and how desperately I needed to break away to regain the happy, friendly girl that I used to be.
- I ended things for the both of us. It got to the point where I found the relationship with him, and the relationship with myself, unbearable. I had to say goodbye for both of our sakes. Looking back, I definitely did both of us a favor. After all, a relationship where you lose yourself and turn into someone you don’t like is not a good relationship to be in. There are healthy relationships out there where you both don’t act in a way that’s considered toxic, and that’s exactly what I went on to find.
