Here’s Why I Couldn’t Date Someone Who’s Not A Christian

My faith is very important to me and I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t share those same beliefs. These days, most people would probably think I’m mad for saying I would only date someone who’s a Christian and would rule out any non-believers, but here are some reasons why it’s a really important priority for me.

  1. I won’t compromise my values. The thing about a relationship is that it’s meant to lift you up and challenge you. I can’t compromise fundamental values to be with someone because I wouldn’t be myself, and neither of us would be happy. If I date someone who doesn’t share my Christian beliefs, I just wouldn’t be true to myself.
  2. They won’t understand my upbringing. I want to know that I am understood in a relationship, and respected. People who haven’t had the same cultural upbringing of bible study groups and youth groups don’t understand how my childhood has informed my adult life. I was raised in a very strict Christian household and I didn’t date much when I was younger. Now that I’m putting myself out there, I need someone who’s been in my shoes themself.
  3. My kids need to be Christian too. There’s also the tricky question of how bringing up any potential children would go. Not only do I want to instill in them my core values, but it’s also important that they grow up with the same culture of faith that I did. If I decided to date (and eventually marry) someone who’s not a Christian, it would be difficult to compromise on what religion our children would have. It’s likely that both parties would be unhappy.
  4. Our fundamental differences would undermine any intimacy. I expect to meet resistance with random strangers on the street, but it isn’t ideal to have that energy come from the person who’s meant to support you to the end of the line. It just isn’t worth it. If I date a Christian, I know that they’ll likely have the same views on sex and intimacy.
  5. I would feel judged. We’d both internally be judging each other, whether in some subtle or overt way. Also, because of that, we’d both be unhappy argumentative and just hoping we’d eventually change each other. If you can’t meet me where I am, you don’t want me. If I date someone who’s not a Christian, they won’t get or agree with many of my beliefs and I’d just end up feeling bad about myself.
  6. We’d have different expectations for our relationship journey. If we don’t understand each other on an individual basis, we certainly won’t understand the cultural journey we both expect to take. As a Christian, I pursue relationships with and date people that I could see lasting forever, but other people have a much more casual approach to flings. This results in different expectations and both people getting hurt.
  7. There should be room for God. For me, a relationship isn’t just between the two of us. It should always consciously honor and make room for God. This sounds cheesy to people who aren’t Christian, but I wouldn’t expect to sacrifice this.
  8. We’d end up fighting against each other. A good relationship won’t always be perfectly harmonious, but the arguments shouldn’t be about things you always expect. It should be about smaller or unexpected things so you can push the relationship forwards. You shouldn’t just be pushing up against the same known trigger points like region because then neither of you evolves in any other way.
  9. We need to be on the same page. A relationship that expects to last should be founded on being on the same page. If we’re constantly warring or bickering in front of friends and children that’s embarrassing and sets a bad example. I want to be better than that and I deserve better than that. That’s why I can only date a Christian. Even if we don’t agree on everything, we’ll at least be able to put on a united front.
  10. I have to prioritize what’s important. Taking my children to church on Sunday shouldn’t be a boundary that I have to fight for every week. It is draining and exhausting and I need someone who respects my priorities. That’s not a normal difference that the relationship can overcome.
  11. My family’s approval matters to me. Family and one’s upbringing are hugely important to the Christian ethos so having and maintaining the support of my existing family as I make a new one is essential. No relationship is worth upsetting my family or compromising those ties. Faith changes the way you view relationships, and that’s real life.
  12. I don’t want to face community rejection. In addition to family support, it’s also important that I keep the support of my community and my church. While I may move to different geographical locations I expect my faith community to be a pool of resources to draw upon. For that to be the case, I will not throw that back in their face by pursuing a relationship that serves neither me nor my faith. I will aim to date a Christian at all times.
  13. It’s for my own salvation. Frankly, I will not be sacrificing my own salvation because some guy down the road has cute hair. I can’t waste my life standing on a chair pulling them up while at the same time risking being pulled down.
  14. Iron sharpens iron. I want to be pushed and challenged in my faith to deepen it. Being able to date an equally earnest and knowledgeable Christian to sharpen my faith is the goal. I will not have my faith dulled by another person who disrespects where I’m coming from. Relationships shouldn’t be a test of faith: they should affirm it.
  15. I’d rather avoid awkward holiday expectations. Christmas and Easter are non-negotiables. In a Christian relationship, I need to be able to assert the importance of God with family during these important holidays to respect my faith during these periods.
  16. No sex before marriage is not up for conversation. I won’t accept and don’t expect, to receive pressure to have sex before marriage if I make that known. Yes, everyone has different boundaries, but it’s just much easier with someone that’s on the same page as you.
  17. I find it attractive to have common ground. I want a partner who adds value to my life. Even an atheist would struggle just to ‘let me do my thing, but I want someone to actively challenge me – someone with principles.
  18. I don’t want the pain of loving someone who will be going to hell. It’s a harsh truth, but if someone isn’t a Christian, I can’t live with the burden of processing what that means for them. I need to get out of a toxic situation and focus on trying to date Christian men.
Hannah has a Masters degree in Romantic and Victorian literature in Scotland and spends her spare time writing anything from essays to short fiction about the life and times of the frogs in her local pond! She loves musical theatre, football, anything with potatoes, and remains a firm believer that most of the problems in this world can be solved by dancing around the kitchen to ABBA. You can find her on Instagram at @_hannahvic.