If He’s Not Already Boyfriend Material, Don’t Bother Trying To Train Him

You’re looking for a relationship, you just haven’t managed to find a guy who’s boyfriend material yet. It might be tempting to settle, especially if you’ve been single for a long time, but don’t. When you meet a guy who’s not quite up to the challenge, don’t bother trying to train, teach, or shape him into the perfect guy — that’s just a waste of time.

  1. You should never have to ask a guy to simply give AF. Don’t ever be that desperate for love. If you care about someone, your affection for them comes automatically, right? You’ve never had to train yourself how to be good to someone you care about, so why would you need to beg a guy just to care? You’re so much better than that and you deserve more. Wait for a guy who loves you properly without you ever having to ask.
  2. People change for themselves, not for someone else. You can’t fix him. If you try, eventually he’s going to hate the fact that you don’t love him for who he is because you can’t deny that you want him to be someone else. Men need to grow and change on their own and for themselves. If he doesn’t want to change, he’ll only grow to resent you and all you’ll have done is wasted even more time.
  3. If he actually cares, he won’t be afraid to show it. When a guy’s affection is real, he doesn’t care who knows it. Even better, he’ll do everything in his power to make sure you know how much he truly cares for you. He won’t treat you like crap just to impress his friends. No matter where you are and no matter who you’re with, he’ll be good to you because that’s what you deserve.
  4. All he really needs to do is make a real effort. If he’s a bad boyfriend, it’s because he’s slacking off. It’s not that hard to do a good job when a guy actually tries. At the end of the day, it’s all about whether or not he thinks you’re worth the effort. Don’t put up with his BS excuses about how he needs to learn — he knows what to do, he just doesn’t care enough to try.
  5. You deserve a guy who already knows how to be a good boyfriend. You shouldn’t have to be his guinea pig. You’re not a test trial to figure out how this whole relationship thing works. He doesn’t get a grace period. He needs to know that he only has one shot that he can’t waste instead of seeing you as a trial and error experiment. If he can’t figure out on his own how to be a good boyfriend, he doesn’t deserve a girl like you.
  6. If he’s not boyfriend material from the start, you’re just wasting time. You spend a few months trying to shape him into the guy you think he can be and then what? He’s just going to go back to his old ways and you’ll feel stuck because you’ve already invested so much time in him. What you need is a guy who’s ready to be a boyfriend before you even meet, not a work in progress that needs some serious coaching that might never pay off.
  7. You can’t teach someone who doesn’t want to learn. Guys who are terrible boyfriends don’t care that they don’t treat you right — they do as little as possible for you to stay. This guy will never go the extra mile or attempt to learn how to be better boyfriends. He likes things just the way they are, clearly. If he really wanted to treat you right, no learning process would be required. It would just be natural.
  8. It’s his responsibility to take the relationship seriously. You can’t control how he thinks of your relationship. It’s his job to make you a priority in his life — you shouldn’t have to beg him to make you feel important. If he thinks of your relationship as temporary or casual, nothing you say or do is going to change that. He has to come to that conclusion on his own. He has to take responsibility without being instructed.
  9. If you try to cage him, he’ll grow to resent you. Nobody wants to feel backed into a corner. If you give him rules and restrictions, he’s just going to want to rebel. It has to be his choice to treat you right and your choice to walk away if he doesn’t. You can try to tame the beast, but he’ll only play the part of the good guy for so long before he hates you for trying to tie him down.
  10. You can’t force someone into maturity. If he claims he just doesn’t know how to be a good boyfriend then he’s just being immature. He knows exactly how to treat a woman right — he just doesn’t want to have to try that hard. He needs to grow up before he can be in a real relationship and he needs to gain that maturity on his own. At the end of the day, you can’t force him to be the man you want him to be when he’s still just a clueless boy.
  11. If he really loves you, he’ll automatically treat you right. The thing about the entire concept of “boyfriend material” is that it really depends on whether or not a guy actually likes you. If he values you in his life, you shouldn’t have to train or teach him how to be good to you. He just will be because he wants you to be happy. Boyfriend material is all about being with a man who loves you the way you deserve and that doesn’t need to be taught.
Kelsey Dykstra is a freelance writer based in Huntington Beach, CA. She has a bachelor’s degree in Creative Writing from Grand Valley State University and been writing professionally since graduating in 2013. In addition to writing about love and relationships for Bolde and lifestyle topics for Love to Know, she also writes about payment security and small business solutions for PaymentCloud.

Originally from Michigan, this warm weather seeker relocated to the OC just last summer. Kelsey enjoys writing her own fictional pieces, reading a variety of young adult novels, binging on Netflix, and of course soaking up the sun.

You can find more about Kelsey on her LinkedIn profile or on Twitter @dykstrakelsey.