A Guy Who Claims He’s A Commitment-Phobe Just Doesn’t Want To Commit To You

When you’re sure about someone, committing your time and energy to only that person isn’t a big deal… as long as you’re receiving the same in return. If you’re not, it’s clear that your guy isn’t a commitment-phobe—he just doesn’t want to commit to you. Here are some signs to watch out for:

  1. He Doesn’t See A Future With You In It. I’m not alluding to marriage and kids here, I’m referring to simple conversational cues, like that dream trip to Hawaii that he wants to go on next year. Did he mention you in those plans or was it all about him? If he speaks about future details and you’re not naturally included, that’s a major red flag.
  2. You’re Acting Too Desperate. Once you begin throwing ultimatums or forcing yourself into your boyfriend’s life, problems begin. It’s going to feel desperate and unappealing, and he’s going to want to push away—wouldn’t you if the roles were reversed? That’s when you’ll instinctively want to draw closer, and the clinginess is only going to rip holes in your relationship. It’s at that point when you have to realize that fear of commitment alone isn’t what’s driving him away, it’s commitment to you.
  3. You’re Just His Pal. The chemistry between the two of you is out of this world. You’ve met each other’s families, gone on trips together, and you spend a significant chunk of your time enjoying each other’s company every week, but things aren’t progressing. You wonder why, questioning whether he’s intimidated by commitment or if it’s something you’re doing wrong. The truth might lie in the fact that he doesn’t see himself committing to you because he only sees you as a buddy, not as a girlfriend.
  4. He’s Scared Of Losing You. It’s not always that a guy is simply not into you and that’s why he doesn’t want to commit. You’ve heard the phrase “it’s not you, it’s me” and this is exactly what the case is sometimes. A fear of losing love even after a commitment is real, and if a guy is really into you, he could be equally afraid of losing you—so much that it’s easier in his head to never try because then he can’t fail. If this is the case, it can usually be worked on over time or in therapy, but it’s probably not worth your time to stick around.
  5. He Doesn’t Want To Settle Down Right Now. He knows how you feel but he isn’t on the same page, at least not yet. Call it bad timing or whatever helps you feel better, but if you’ve made your goals and expectations in the relationship clear and he isn’t there yet, it’s going to be impossible for him to want to commit to you at this point.
  6. He Thinks You’re Too Good For Him. Most couples always want their other half to have “the best” or what they “deserve,” but what does that mean in terms of a romantic relationship? If your guy is putting you on too high of a pedestal, he might not deem himself worthy of having you. In this scenario, there’s not much that will convince him that you’re a good match and he’ll likely just avoid taking things to the next level and he’ll never want to commit for fear of failure.
  7. He Has Other Commitments, You’re Just Not One Of Them. A man who has any regular hobbies—an adult sports league, volunteer work, etc—is obviously not afraid of commitment. If he commits to poker with his friends every Wednesday or attends church every Sunday then he’s committing to things in his life. The real reason your relationship isn’t making it to the next level doesn’t lie in his ability to commit, it’s that he just doesn’t see himself committing specifically to you.
  8. You’re Not His Future Wife. Most women won’t continue dating once we feel like it’s not a “forever” thing and the relationship is stagnant, but men are wired differently. If a guy doesn’t feel as though you’re wife material for him but he still enjoys your company, he’s probably okay with continuing to date you—that is, until the commitment talk begins.
  9. There’s Too Much Stress. You had a good week or a special day together and you think your relationship is progressing. Maybe it was… until you started to nag about slapping titles on your relationship and the whole situation exploded into a stress-oozing mess. Nobody wants to feel overly stressed out by their partner, and putting added pressure on the situation isn’t going to make it blossom. A healthy relationship won’t have you questioning labels—it’ll flow naturally.
  10. He’s Straight Up Checked Out. The spark of your relationship caught flame so quickly that you didn’t have a chance to enjoy the glow because you were just looking for the next big step. Now it seems as if it dissipated into a flickering flame, leaving little more than lingering smoke. You’re holding on like a breath of oxygen trying to reignite the fire, but he’s already floating away like the ashes. It’s the same story, different excuse every time. He may not know how to say it, but you know what’s coming. Let. It. Go.
Mix 1 part momma + 1 part writer + 1 part hairstylist. Add the love of laughter, adventure, and caffeine. Blend well with a passion for country music and hockey. Sprinkle with sass, and that's me.