If He’s Using You, You’re Probably Letting Him

No one can blame you for falling for a guy who’s a really good liar every once in a while — it happens to the best of us, but generally, there are at least a couple red flags that you choose to ignore along the way. You’re the only one responsible for knowing what you want and fighting for it. He’s not going to do it for you, so stop blaming him for being a jerk when you should have just walked away when he gave you the chance.

  1. You’re always making excuses for him. Everyone can see that he’s not exactly as committed to the relationship as you are, but you always have a response prepared for why he’s M.I.A. He’s really busy at work. He’s stressed out. He’s just going through a rough patch. Whatever it is, you’re the one justifying his behavior, not him.
  2. He doesn’t go out of his way to make you feel secure. These days everyone’s busy. But you can make time for someone if you really want to be with them. He’s not doing that. Well, unless it involves a quickie on a Saturday night after a few drinks. If you keep settling for the bare minimum, that’s what he’ll keep giving you.
  3. You make empty threats. You give him ultimatums sometimes. Like telling him that if he can’t commit, you’re done with him. Maybe he agrees and even changes his attitude for a little while, but he always goes right back to his old ways until you get fed up again and the cycle continues. Obviously he isn’t going to take you seriously if you never stick to your guns. You’re just as full of crap as he is, and he’s going to keep taking advantage of it.
  4. You’re afraid to be alone. You know your relationship isn’t ideal and you aren’t getting what you want from him, but somehow it seems better than being single. Eventually you’re going to have to face reality and accept that he’s not The One. Once you do it you’ll realize being alone isn’t as terrible as you think.
  5. You think you can change him. He told you straight up that he wasn’t looking for anything serious, and you said you were fine with that. But in your head you were thinking, “oh, once he gets to know me, he’ll change his mind, and we’ll live happily ever after.” Nope. You’re way better off just taking him at his word.
  6. You ignore red flags. If you’re not making excuses for his shortcomings, you’re just completely ignoring them. Sure, he flirts with other girls in front of you sometimes, but it’s no big deal, as long as he comes back to you. Right. Whatever you want to tell yourself.
  7. You refuse to accept rejection. It’s hard to accept that a guy who really like might not be that into you. Rejection is never easy. So, as long as he’s giving you something, you’re willing to look the other way on everything else.
  8. He’s going to take what he can get. Even if on some level he knows he’s being a jerk, there are a lot of guys out there who are okay with that. Especially if it means he can still get laid. He probably thinks if he’s honest with you about what he wants, and you say you’re okay with it, he’s off the hook. And honestly, you can’t really blame him for that.
  9. You’re in denial about what you really want. Maybe you think you can handle what he’s offering, when in reality you’ve just suppressed your desire for something more. But it won’t stay suppressed forever. Eventually it’s going to come out, and by then you’ll be in too deep to get out unscathed.
  10. You’re fixated on the superficial. Sometimes we’re so attracted to a guy physically that we let the fact that he’s kind of a loser slide. Attractive guys know they can get away with certain things simply because they look good doing it, but we can put a stop to that if we want to. The only time a hot guy should get away with using you is if you’re doing the exact same thing with him.
By day, Courtney is a digital marketing copywriter living in Toronto, Canada. By night, she's a freelance lifestyle writer who, in addition to Bolde.com, contributes regularly to AmongMen.ca, IN Magazine, and SheBlogs Canada. Want to chat about relationships, Stephen King or your favorite true crime podcast/documentary/book? She's on Twitter @courtooo.