At first, I was excited and relieved to be alone. For once I was able to take care of myself, do what I want and finally have some time to alone think about me… but that got old quickly. I was doing the same thing over and over — drink, date, repeat. My behavior started to change and I was negative about everything. I became the lonely single girl I dreaded. I hit single girl rock bottom and I very nearly didn’t get up again.
- I became the drunk obnoxious girl. I loved finally being able to go out with my girlfriends and not having to worry about my boyfriend calling to see how long I was going to be. I was free and it was amazing. I didn’t have anyone counting my drinks or keeping tabs on me, so I drank. A lot. To the point I was that girl at the bar — sloppy, loud and spewing out everything that came to mind. I may have felt cute, but it wasn’t a cute look.
- I didn’t need an excuse to have a good time. The relationship girl always needs an excuse to go out — a bachelorette party, birthday party, etc. I wanted to party 24/7, for no reason at all. I just wanted to live life and forget about why I was single. Who cares if its 10am?! Rosé all day. After awhile, I really just wanted to forget I was alone.
- I recycled. And not in a good way. Sleeping single is not all it’s cracked up to be. Yes, I had a giant bed all the myself and no one snoring in my ear, but some days I just wanted a warm body next to me so bad that I caved. I started to recycle the guys I dated. It was like sex roulette — whoever texted back was the winner. But shortly after doing the deed, I quickly realized why recycling was not really good for my psyche.
- I lowered my standards for everything. Not only was I letting douchebags back into my life, I also stopped pursuing things that made me happy. I was too concerned on numbing the pain I’d suppressed for so long that I didn’t realize I lost my will to do anything. I knew the people I loved and the things I loved doing were going to get me through it, but I was too busy running away from it. I was scared to see who I was as a single person.
- I hated hanging out with my friends that were in relationships. I was jealous — there’s no way to sugar coat that. Seeing my friends in happy, loving relationships made me realized what I didn’t have. They thought I was living this glamorous single life with no cares in the world, but I literally felt stuck, unable to move forward.
- I was angry. I secretly hated when I saw others find their happy ending. I would repeatedly tell myself that my time would come eventually, but then started to think it would never happen. I convinced myself I would perpetually be single, and no one could save me from that.
- I went into seclusion. All I wanted to do was sit on my couch and never leave my apartment. The thought of having to socially interact with people made me have anxiety. I had no one to fall behind in social settings. I usually let the guy I was dating take the spotlight while I gleefully stood behind him. I wanted to avoid this new life as a single girl. Then I finally realized I had to take care of myself. I could no longer hide behind someone or avoid my fears. I was single and I had to accept it.
- My name is Anjelica and I am single. It sounds so silly, but it took me forever to admit it. I would go home for the holiday or see my friends I hadn’t seen in a while and I would have to say it: I’m single. After awhile, I stopped thinking of it as a death sentence and thinking of it as a temporary sentence. I am single, but it doesn’t give me a reason to drink every night or sleep my way through my exes. It’s time for me to accept life as a single while trying not to sleep or drink in doubles.