I Hooked Up With My Best Guy Friend & Things Got REALLY Awkward

Seth and I had been through many experiences during the course of our almost 10-year friendship, but never anything like this. We were on the sofa in my living room, each of us studying the other’s face, trying to search for reactions. We had just hooked up for the first time, and after it was over, things started to get seriously awkward…

  1. We didn’t know what to say. The silence was deafening. Eventually, I slipped out something smooth like, “So THAT just happened.” He released a chuckle I knew was fake as hell — another downside of sleeping with a friend and knowing too much about them, of course — and started biting his nails. He was nervous too. What did we just do?
  2. Figuring out a sleeping situation was a challenge. Should he sleep over? Should he just go? It was really late, so it was tempting to spend the night together just for logistical purposes. I thought about the all the times he’d slept on my floor of my bedroom or the one time he had pulled his back out so I asked if he wanted to sleep next to me in my bed (platonically, of course). It had never been weird before, but now, lying in the crook of his arm on his naked chest…. it was weird.
  3. Thinking about what our friends would say was seriously anxiety-inducing. I started thinking about how many of our mutual friends we had slept with combined. It was a lot. What would they say? Could we just pretend it never happened when in public or was it basically inevitable that they’d find out somehow?
  4. I kind of wanted to keep it a secret. Maybe no one should know after all. What about Carrie, Seth’s last ex, who we still kicked it with from time to time? Would she think I was a terrible person for sleeping with her ex? Even though it was a pretty mutual break up, I was terrified of the repercussions of certain people finding out about our tryst.
  5. I worried he would get too attached. “How do you feel about the name ‘Susan’ for a girl?” I imagined him saying while rubbing my tummy. AHHHH!!! My shaking hand knocked a glass of water off of the coffee table and he rushed to get some paper towels. As I started to clean up the water, he picked up his clothes and started to get dressed. Well, at least that decision was made for me.
  6. I didn’t know whether to hug or kiss him goodbye. Considering we’d just had our tongues down each other’s throats (amongst other things) for the last two hours, a hug almost seemed too informal. But a kiss — especially a now much more sober kiss — seemed heavy and weirdly inappropriate. I settled on a kiss on the cheek and he was out the door.
  7. I was tempted to text or call him to talk about it but thought it might make things worse. When he was gone, I sat on the sofa we’d just been humping on and tried to collect my thoughts. How did I let this happen? How could I have been so stupid? Would it make it less awkward if I made a joke? More awkward? I had to lay down. The room was starting to spin and I was spent.
  8. I wondered how long he’d LIKE-liked me. I woke up the next morning with this on my brain. Had he been hiding some secret feelings from me? I thought of the time we sat in his truck at the lake smoking and talking about fate. Had he been trying to tell me something? I opened up my phone to read a text message from him: “Hey, I feel like what happened was a mistake. Can we just forget it happened?” I was suddenly at a loss for words. I hadn’t even considered the possibility that HE would want to forget it ever happened. Could it have been THAT bad? I opened up the text box and wrote, “Yeah, me too. That’s probably best.”
  9. I worried that our friendship was ruined. I set my phone down and put my running shoes on. I was flustered after his text and running away from all of it. I made my way to the gym and got on the treadmill. When I hit shuffle my iTunes shuffled directly to 50 Cent’s “Candy Shop” and I imagined Seth singing the chorus in his silly high pitched voice. Suddenly I felt lightheaded. What was happening to me?
  10. I suddenly had to question whether I wanted more. I’d spent so much time worrying about how Seth would feel that I forgot to consider my own emotions. Was I falling for Seth? Had I BEEN falling for Seth? I opened up a text message, started to type, “Can we talk?” and then closed out of it. Gradually, Seth and I stopped talking as much. Once, I drunkenly texted him at three in the morning and told him I missed him. He said he missed me too, but those sound like empty words to me now. I found out through mutual friends a few months later that he’d also been sleeping with one of my good friends at the same time as our drunken hookup, which explained the sudden lack of communication and interest in continuing any sort of relationship with me. My friends like to say that I dodged a bullet and I can’t disagree, but I’d be lying if I said there weren’t days when I cranked 50 Cent in my headphone and smiled. Some days I miss my friend.