This Hot Water Bottle Is The Hilarious Meat That Heats

Call me immature, but penises are hilarious. They’re funny when they’re turned into slippers, into giant pillows, and basically any other purpose than that which they’re intended for, which is, well, you know. In any case, I about died laughing when I discovered that a penis hot water bottle was a thing, and I immediately knew I needed to order about 10 of them for me and my friends.

Scroll down to find out more about the product and where you can find it.

  1. It’s great for getting rid of cramps. When you’re PMSing or actually on your period and the cramps are intense, sometimes curling up with a hot water bottle, some pizza, and a quality Netflix boxset is the only way to get through the day. Sure, penises are the last thing you want near you during this trying time, but this one is pretty OK.
  2. It’s also just good for staying warm. Yeah, I turn the heat on when it gets cold out, but I’m also one of those people who are constantly freezing, so hot water bottles are my BFF. Sure, I’ve never had a hot water bottle shaped like a penis before, but that’s only because I didn’t know it existed!
  3. He’s no use when he’s all floppy. That’s according to the product description on the Firebox website, which makes sense. In other words, you need to fill him up with nice, hot liquid so you can then use it to keep you warm inside… and now I feel like I’m writing softcore erotica, so I’m going to stop.
  4. The face is a little bit weird, I admit… It’s kinda creepy to think about a penis having a face, especially a face that gives this weird little grimace smile thing, like this hot water bottle does. He didn’t need a face, that’s all I’m saying. Unfortunately, he has one and we’ll all have to just learn to live with that, I guess.
  5. It’s the cheapest penis you’ll probably ever find. The hot water bottle is only $15.99, so that means you can get one for you and all your friends and probably still have money left over for that pizza I was talking about earlier. Admit it, it’s a great idea. Grab your penis hot water bottle at Firebox HERE.
Piper Ryan is a NYC-based writer and matchmaker who works to bring millennials who are sick of dating apps and the bar scene together in an organic and efficient way. To date, she's paired up more than 120 couples, many of whom have gone on to get married. Her work has been highlighted in The New York Times, Time Out New York, The Cut, and many more.

In addition to runnnig her own business, Piper is passionate about charity work, advocating for vulnerable women and children in her local area and across the country. She is currently working on her first book, a non-fiction collection of stories focusing on female empowerment.